- Jay Garrick: A man carrying a banner saying "The world ends tomorrow" was arrested for leaking information.
- Premier Dubienkin: Russia is a great country. Many people like living in Russia. Read this
- [he hands over a piece of paper]
- American ambassador: "I like living in Russia." So I see ...
- Premier Dubienkin: Here is a written account by two witnesses...
- American ambassador: Right. Anyway ...
- Premier Dubienkin: And more then ten people can testify that it wasn't written at gun point.
- President Johnny Cyclops: I don't like the sounds of this.
- The Deacon: Sir, if the Lord had meant us to like everything we heard, he wouldn't have given us commercial radio.
- Jay Garrick: Today General E.F. "Gizzard" Pemberley died when a bomb exploded under his bed. Two eighteen-year-old marines also died.
- The Deacon: If the Lord had meant us to rely on geriatrics; he wouldn't have given us the supreme court.
- Premier Dubienkin: All these rumours of a food shortage are nonsense. I mean, the fact I have a dead dog in my fridge doesn't mean anything. Why shouldn't I have a dead dog in my fridge if I wish?
- American ambassador: Yeah, it's a free country.
- [pause]
- American ambassador: Sorry.
- Chancellor of the Exchecquer: The Prime Minister thinks he's Superman! We can't keep this up, I mean look at this note, "Can't make Question Time, Brainiac's escaped from the phantom zone"!
- [on tape we see Lacrobat disguised as a Swedish man holding an Abba album]
- Lacrobat: Good day, my name's Olaf Jokkmokk and I am Swedish. Oh dear, I've dropped the keys to my volvo! I represent a firm of dentists, and I first came into contact with Lacrobat last year, to inquire about an estimate for the liquidation of John McEnroe. Since then, he has wiped out five entire chains of rival dentists. That is why I always vouch for Lacrobat.
- Lacrobat: Governments toppled, plants installed, or for that very special assassination; why not use Lacrobat?
- Lacrobat: Lacrobat, also known as the devil. He's called the man of a thousand faces, and I personally recommend number six hundred and four.
- [Lacrobat has the Quark Bomb disguised as a giant penis on his car]
- Lacrobat: Oh, no sir, this isn't pornography.
- Motorcycle cop: It sure ain't a tootsy roll!
- Premier Dubienkin: I must say I like how you deal with the Americans.
- Foreign Secretary: Thank you.
- Premier Dubienkin: We like, how you say, kick them in the balls.
- Foreign Secretary: Well ...
- Premier Dubienkin: Piss all over them.
- Man in shadows: He is a little strange, but effective. By the way, do I tell him who he's working for?
- [we cut and see he is talking to The Deacon]
- The Deacon: Under no circumstance.
- [Cyclops has been shot]
- President Johnny Cyclops: Oh, God. I have sinned. I have sinned!
- The Deacon: Hush. He may hear you.
- Jay Garrick: President Cyclops issued a statement that all citizens are to conserve oil. In response, Sammy Davis Junior fired six of his hairdressers.
- Greek official: So, you say you bury celebrities?
- Lacrobat: Oui.
- Greek official: Then why's this casket so large?
- [pause]
- Lacrobat: It was a double act.
- President Johnny Cyclops: You had me shot just to get public sympathy?
- The Deacon: Sir, this will blow your popularity through the roof. Henesy and his Democrat rats won't know what hit them.
- [cut to a news broadcast]
- Jay Garrick: Waves of letters of sympathy have been set after one of the most shocking and horrific acts in recent memory. Presidential candidate Jimmy Hennessy was run over by a speeding ambulance outside his home and had both his legs crushed. The ambulance contained President Johnny Cyclops, who was said to have only received flesh wounds after being shot at a TV taping this afternoon.
- Jay Garrick: A woman who secured a lock of Frank Sinatra's hair twenty years ago today sold it back to him for an undisclosed sum.
- The Deacon: Everything went well, sir, the lobotomy wasn't necessary.
- President Johnny Cyclops: Well, I should think not. Anyone who tries to give me a lobotomy will get a piece of my mind!
- Jay Garrick: The mystery of the missing Quark Bomb has been solved. It was seen going off twenty minutes ago in what used to be Israel.
- Commisar Solzhenitsyn: You think you're so tough?
- Jed Grodd: Tougher than you can handle, Russkie.
- Commisar Solzhenitsyn: We shall see.
- [pause]
- Commisar Solzhenitsyn: Boris, help, my back's gone again.
- Jed Grodd: We're gonna crash!
- Helicopter pilot: Sorry, sir, I was just following government policy.
- Jed Grodd: What are you talking about?
- Helicopter pilot: Fuel conservation. I only filled the tank half-way up!
- [Pork enters wearing a superman cape and carrying a dog]
- Kevin Pork: I'm feeling under the weather.
- [he walks to the window]
- Kevin Pork: Come on Krypto, it's time for your flight round the block.
- [he throws the dog out the window]
- Kevin Pork: You know, I feel better already.
- Kevin Pork: I think I've been over-doing things. But I had a talk with the doctor and he gave me some pills to take.
- Chancellor of the Exchecquer: It'll be for the best, Kev. I'm sure it will.
- Foreign Secretary: Which doctor is this then Kev?
- Kevin Pork: Doctor Destiny of Earth two. Sure; you know him. He helped me to save Lois Lane in the giant star fish of Atlantis.
- [repeated line]
- Newseader: Police raid a cafe in Brixton.
- Soldier 1: OK, why is Johnny Cyclops like a two-dollar whore? Every day a new cock up!
- Soldier 2: That's good. Say; you know how we were these were the most deadly and dangerous nuclear weapon ever made, and we were to guard them with our lives?
- Soldier 1: Yeah, why?
- Soldier 2: Nothing. Except, I could have sworn there were six of them.
- Man in shadows: I believe I have the man just for you. His name is Lacrobat, people call him The Devil. I haven't met him, but he has sent my a demo tape; apparently it's full of testimonials. I'll watch it now, then call you back.
- Commisar Solzhenitsyn: If you do not tell us the details of your mission, you can wave goodbye to both your hands.
- Politburo Member: How can he wave goodbye if you cut them off?
- Kevin Pork: There's no use beating around the bush. I am, secretly, Superman.
- [pause]
- Foreign Secretary: Superman?
- Kevin Pork: Yes.
- [pause]
- Kevin Pork: Bit of a big one, isn't it? Now, you would want some proof, well here it is.
- [he takes off his glasses]
- Chancellor of the Exchecquer: Holy mother of Moses.
- President Johnny Cyclops: Hell, Shah Rassim, this is president Johnny Cyclops. You may have noticed I am communicating with you by means of a parrot. This is because what I am about to tell you is of a highly confidential and secretive - are you sure he's getting all this, Deacon? The Quark Bomb has not been stolen by a terrorist. We stole it, and gave it to a terrorist; it's being smuggled to help you regain your rightful perch- throne! And we hope to get you off of that ferry very soon.
- The Deacon: And the rest, Mr. President?
- President Johnny Cyclops: P.S. Would you please, eat me?
- [Lacrobat has the Quark bomb in a casket]
- Lacrobat: [in fake French accent] Open that box, and be damned for all eternity!
- Greek official: I'm sorry, but I have to search it, Mr ...
- Lacrobat: Floyjoy. Montgomery Hindenberg Floyjoy, undertaker for the stars. Mr. Bob Hope has my on a retail. My card.
- Greek official: [reads] All the world's a grave, and all the men and women merely stiffs.
- [repeated line]
- Newseader: The Quark Bomb, formerly known as the Johnny Cyclops Bomb after the President of the same name.