- Holmes: It wasn't YOU he tried to kill!
- Watson: Think man, think... Who was SUPPOSED to be in that room?
- Holmes: That's right! You were!
- Watson: Moriarty knows... I'm am the only match for his evil genius.
- Holmes: You mean he's not trying to kill me?
- Watson: Of course not. He knows you're an idiot.
- Holmes: Oh, thank God.
- Holmes: I'm reminded of the curious case of the Manchurian Mambo...
- Watson: Holmes, could I have a word?
- Holmes: Yes, what is it?
- Watson: I believe that was the Manchurian Mamba.
- Holmes: Mambo, mamba. What's the difference?
- Watson: Well, very little, except that one is a deadly, poisonous snake, while the other is a rather festive Carribean dance.
- Holmes: It was a night like any other, when suddenly a knock came at the door. I opened it, and there were these Manchurians, doing a rather festive Carribean dance...
- Holmes: How can I be expected to maintain the character when you belittle me in front of those hooligans?
- Watson: Character? Are we talking about the same man who once declared with total conviction that the late Colonel Howard had been bludgeoned to death with a blunt *excrement*?
- Holmes: Is it my fault you have such poor handwriting?
- Holmes: As a matter of fact, Lestrade, You can be some help.
- Inspector Lestrade: Of course!
- Holmes: Hold my coat, it's hot in here.
- Sherlock Holmes: What are you doing?
- Dr. Watson: Thinking.
- Sherlock Holmes: Right. I'm going to think too.
- [Long pause]
- Sherlock Holmes: What shall we think about, Watson?
- Dr. Watson: Believe it or not, I'm every bit Holmes's equal as a detective.
- Lord Smithwick: [scoffing] Dr. Watson...
- Dr. Watson: Ha ha, I happen to know that you recently recovered from an illness; that you smoke a pipe, ah!, probably, uh, rosewood; and you spent time in China...
- Inspector Lestrade: [interrupting] Sorry, doctor, this is no time for parlor games.
- Dr. Watson: I'm not playing parlor games-...
- Inspector Lestrade: Doctor, this is a matter for professionals!
- Sherlock Holmes: [bursting in] You've got to help me! There's two big men...
- Dr. Watson: Holmes, you're back - so good to see you! My, this is a clever disguise - a drunken lout. Ha, very realistic.
- Sherlock Holmes: There's two - this one big fellow...
- Dr. Watson: Ah, excuse us just a moment.
- [He whisks Holmes into the next room; after some banging about they return, now calm]
- Dr. Watson: Gentlemen, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
- Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Lestrade. It's good to see the department's letting you out at night again. Lord Smithwick - trouble at the exchequer?
- Lord Smithwick: Well, to be honest - Wait, how did you know?
- Sherlock Holmes: The same way that I can tell you recently recovered from an illness; smoke a pipe, probably rosewood; and have spent some time in...
- Dr. Watson: [prompting] China.
- Sherlock Holmes: China.
- Lord Smithwick: AMAZING!
- Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Uh, uh, Lord, uh, Smithwick, um, before we start, perhaps a... little sherry?
- Lord Smithwick: I wish we could. But the matter which brings me here involves the fate of the entire Empire.
- Sherlock Holmes: I see. Perhaps a whiskey, then?
- Inspector Lestrade: Half a tick, Mr. Holmes. Ye can't go walkin' into someone's residence, pokin' about their personal possessions, disruptin' their privacy... That's for Scotland Yard.
- Holmes: An occasional libation enables me to stiffen my resolve.
- Mrs. Hudson: Your resolve should be pickled by now!
- [Watson reveals the ongoing deception to his publisher]
- Greenhough: We'll start at the beginning, shall we?
- Dr. Watson: It was about nine years ago. One of my patients was a Scotland Yard inspector investigating the Paxton murder case. I give him the name of the murderer, but gave credit to a, heh, nonexistent detective. At the time, I was hoping for an appointment to the staff of a rather conservative medical college; I... knew that they'd frown on my little, uh...
- Greenhough: Hobby...
- Dr. Watson: Exactly. Well, I didn't get the appointment. Instead, what I got was a quite unanticipated public demand to meet this "Sherlock Holmes."
- Greenhough: So you hired this Reginald Kincaid.
- Dr. Watson: He was an actor. Unfortunately, he was also a gambler, a womanizer, and a drunkard.
- Greenhough: John, you have jeopardized the integrity of English literature! Still, I should have known. He was always borrowing large sums of money off me and, uh, never paying me back.
- Dr. Watson: The cad!
- Greenhough: Oh, don't worry, we deducted it from your royalties.
- [Watson tries working without "Holmes"]
- Dr. Watson: That's right. John Watson, the Crime Doctor.
- Bobby at Warehouse: Crime Doctor? Never heard of him. Though, uh, your name sounds a bit familiar.
- Dr. Watson: [grudgingly] All right. I am Dr. John Watson, author of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries.
- Bobby at Warehouse: [warming] Sherlock Holmes?
- Dr. Watson: Yesssss.
- Bobby at Warehouse: THE Sherlock Holmes?
- Dr. Watson: Yesssss.
- Bobby at Warehouse: Me and the wife... has read every one of his stories.
- Dr. Watson: All right. Now, if you'll excuse...
- Bobby at Warehouse: But I'm sorry, doctor. I still can't let you in. Strict orders about that, I'm afraid. Uh, Mr. Holmes, did he, uh, send you here?
- Dr. Watson: He certainly did not!
- Bobby at Warehouse: Well, perhaps the next time you should check with him first, eh? Save yourself a trip.
- [Holmes has just tried and failed to hang himself]
- Mrs. Hudson: Mr. Holmes! What would Dr. Watson say?
- Holmes: He would have offered to kick the chair out from underneath me!
- Inspector Lestrade: His Lordship wishes to see Mr. Holmes.
- Dr. Watson: I'm sorry to say he's not here at the moment.
- Lord Smithwick: Oh, how disappointing.
- Inspector Lestrade: Sir, as I said before, I really don't think Mr. Holmes' involvement in this case is at all necessary.
- Dr. Watson: I quite agree.
- Inspector Lestrade: You do?
- Dr. Watson: However, the Crime Doctor is at your disposal.
- Inspector Lestrade: Who the deuce is the Crime Doctor?
- Sherlock Holmes: Ah, now, now, we know for a fact that Giles was on the boat.
- Dr. Watson: No, we don't.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Well, we do know for a fact that Giles arrived in Windermere.
- Dr. Watson: No he didn't.
- Sherlock Holmes: (He didn't? I thought he did.) Ah. Well, we really know that Giles was behind the theft of the printing plates.
- Dr. Watson: No, he wasn't.
- Leslie: Oh, you brave, brave man!
- Sherlock Holmes: Danger is my trade - but not yours. It's unsafe for you to sleep alone tonight, unattended.
- Dr. Watson: Yes, we insist you stay with us.
- Leslie: Oh, but, but surely I'd be an imposition.
- Sherlock Holmes: Think nothing of it, my dear.
- Dr. Watson: Indeed. Holmes will be working... all night anyway, so you can have his room.
- Sherlock Holmes: I warn you, sir, I've killed as many as six men in a week. Eight if you count matinees.
- [Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty prepare to have a swordfight on the stage of the Orpheum Theater]
- Professor James Moriarty: Ordinarily I do not bother with half-wits and buffoons.
- [Holmes reaches to draw a sword from nearby, but grabs Mrs. Hudson's umbrella by accident]
- Holmes: Buffoons, is it?
- [Moriarty looks annoyed. Realizing his mistake, Holmes quickly tosses the umbrella aside and draws a sword for real this time]
- Holmes: Buffoon, is it?
- Mrs. Hudson: [Looking on with Dr. Watson] He'll be killed!
- Dr. Watson: I quite doubt it, Mrs. Hudson. He's in his element now.
- [Holmes and Watson enter a home and Watson picks up the mail]
- Dr. Watson: Oh, a French postcard.
- Holmes: Really?
- [he takes the card from Watson]
- Holmes: I know a chap who collected these once. He had this wonderful one... two women... oh, it's just a picture of the Eiffel Tower.
- Holmes: The Shadow of Death. The gripping drama was the last play presented at the Orpheum. It closed after only one night, but not without garnering some praise. Harris in the Daily Telegram said, 'In an otherwise dismal evening, Reginald Kincaid provided some welcome laughs.'
- Wiggins: You said it was a gripping drama!
- Holmes: It's unimportant now, isn't it?
- Lord Mayor Gerald Fitzwalter Johnson: Well, Mr. Holmes. Any theories?
- Holmes: Obviously, the victim had been caught in a storm too far from shore to swim for it.
- Lord Mayor Gerald Fitzwalter Johnson: Yes, and with that heavy suitcase attached to his wrist, and the lake being so deep.
- Holmes: Quite. Pulled the poor wretch to the bottom, struggling futilely, flailing desperately as the cold, black water sealed his fate forever Well, it's certainly been a laugh. Thank you.
- Watson: Holmes believes your father has been abducted.
- Leslie: Abducted? By who?
- Sherlock Holmes: Abductors
- [Moriarty's henchmen catch a dockworker spying on them]
- Sebastian: Sorry, Professor. We thought the dock was deserted.
- Professor James Moriarty: [stepping out of the shadows] Sorry, indeed. I went to all this trouble for the sake of discretion, and then you allow this to happen. Well?
- Dockworker: No, no! Nooo!
- [Moriarty calmly lights a cigarette as Sebastian cuts the man's throat]
- Professor James Moriarty: [pushes dead dockworker into the water] Come on. Let's not be all day about it.
- Lady on Train: Are you Sherlock Holmes?
- Holmes: I am indeed, madam. Would you like my autograph?
- Lady on Train: [Kicks Holmes in the shin and pummels him with her handbag] You put me old man in jail, you did.
- Dr. Watson: But it's time now for the public to learn the truth!
- Greenhough: The - truth?
- Dr. Watson: Certainly. No one will want to read of that twit again. His popularity will plummet. They'll be desperate for my new creation.
- Greenhough: What new creation?
- Dr. Watson: John Watson, the Crime Doctor! I can have it ready for your very next issue.
- Sebastian: [returning from investigating a strange noise] Nothing, Professor. Probably rats.
- Professor James Moriarty: Ah, yes. Rats.
- [Professor Moriarty and Sebastian watch from afar as Inspector Lestrade and Lord Smithwick leave 221B Baker Street]
- Sebastian: Do you suppose he took the case, Professor?
- Professor James Moriarty: What? My dear boy, how could he resist? This is turning out so very well.
- Leslie: [waking up after being knocked cold] Oh, my head...
- Mrs. Hudson: It's all right, dear. It's still there.
- Holmes: He sees, but does not observe. Whereas I see and observe and thus bring many notorious blaggards to justice.
- Watson: I seem to spend an increasing amount of my precious time correcting your blunders, both private and public.
- Holmes: Do you know what it's like to commit to memory a never-ending list of clues and deductions to be parroted back to Lestrade and reporters? Blood stains on a toothpick! Cigar ash! New soil in the garden next door! Endless twaddle!
- Watson: Twaddle? Are you referring to the systematic gathering of evidence and the logical deductions based thereon?
- Holmes: I am referring to twaddle. And you would be well served, Watson, to include fewer of those dreary details in future chronicles, and place greater emphasis on me. I am, after all, the one the public really cares about.
- Holmes: Watson, I was once a figment of your imagination. But now, Sherlock Holmes belongs to the whole world.