Sarcastic Humor Quotes

“If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.”
― Jess C Scott, Rockstar

“No, Paige. I am trying to help you.”
“Go to hell.”
“I already exist on a level of hell.”
“Exist on one that isn't near mine.”
― Samantha Shannon, The Bone Season

“...but, dear me, let us be elegant or die.”
― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

“Kidnapped by a vampire, death by a squid. How tragic.”
― Abigail Gibbs, Dinner with a Vampire

“One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

“It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half.”
― Jess C. Scott, Blind Leading Another

“Mr. Sand, do you think it's possible to fall in love in the space of a single day?"

He smiled. "I wouldn't know. I only fall in love at night. Never lasts beyond breakfast, though.”
― Tessa Dare, A Week to be Wicked

“Too young,too young,she chanted to herself.
Wrong,of course.
I was older than her grandfather but according to my driver's license,she was right.”
― Stephenie Meyer, Midnight Sun [2008 Draft]

“Nobody should have to die to a crappy soundtrack”
― James R. Tuck, Blood and Bullets

“I know, 0 Caesar, that thou art awaiting my arrival with impatience, that thy true heart of a friend is yearning day and night for me. I know that thou art ready to cover me with gifts, make me prefect of the pretorian guards, and command Tigellinus to be that which the gods made him, a mule-driver in those lands which thou didst inherit after poisoning Domitius. Pardon me, however, for I swear to thee by Hades, and by the shades of thy mother, thy wife, thy brother, and Seneca, that I cannot go to thee. Life is a great treasure. I have taken the most precious jewels from that treasure, but in life there are many things which I cannot endure any longer. Do not suppose, I pray, that I am offended because thou didst kill thy mother, thy wife, and thy brother; that thou didst burn Eome and send to Erebus all the honest men in thy dominions. No, grandson of Chronos. Death is the inheritance of man; from thee other deeds could not have been expected. But to destroy one's ear for whole years with thy poetry, to see thy belly of a Domitius on slim legs whirled about in a Pyrrhic dance; to hear thy music, thy declamation, thy doggerel verses, wretched poet of the suburbs, — is a thing surpassing my power, and it has roused in me the wish to die. Eome stuffs its ears when it hears thee; the world reviles thee. I can blush for thee no longer, and I have no wish to do so. The howls of Cerberus, though resembling thy music, will be less offensive to me, for I have never been the friend of Cerberus, and I need not be ashamed of his howling. Farewell, but make no music; commit murder, but write no verses; poison people, but dance not; be an incendiary, but play not on a cithara. This is the wish and the last friendly counsel sent thee by the — Arbiter Elegantiae.”
― Henryk Sienkiewicz, Quo Vadis

“...Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes.”
― Elizabeth Peters, Crocodile on the Sandbank

“Mr. Fogg accordingly tasted the dish, but, despite its spiced sauce, found it far from palatable. He rang for the landlord, and, on his appearance, said, fixing his clear eyes upon him, "Is this rabbit, sir?"

"Yes, my lord," the rogue boldly replied, "rabbit from the jungles."

"And this rabbit did not mew when he was killed?"

"Mew, my lord! What, a rabbit mew! I swear to you—"

"Be so good, landlord, as not to swear, but remember this: cats were formerly considered, in India, as sacred animals. That was a good time."

"For the cats, my lord?"

"Perhaps for the travellers as well!”
― Jules Verne, Around the World in Eighty Days

“Want some help with help with that stick in your ass, love?"
"No. It's quite comfortable, thank you."
"It should be. It's been in there for years." Nix winked at Will. "I hope you'll forgive my wife. She's a bit antisocial."
"And water's a bit wet.”
― S.W. Vaughn, Skin Deep

“I appreciate thieves who do their research, but at least you recognize worth when you see it.”
― M.L. LeGette, The Orphan and the Thief

“Rupert: "... At this rate, somebody is bound to upset the Warlock once too often, and we'll end up with a Court full of bemused looking toads."

"He wouldn't dare use his magic here," said the Champion.

"Don't bet on it," said Rupert. "The High Warlock has all the practicality and self-preservation instincts of a depressed lemming.”
― Simon R. Green, Blue Moon Rising

“Or, I could just sit in the bushes and pump the hand pump
until the plumbing was superpressurized to 110 psi. This way, when
someone goes to flush a toilet, the toilet tank will explode. At 150 psi, if
someone turns on the shower, the water pressure will blow off the shower
head, strip the threads, blam, the shower head turns into a mortar shell.
Tyler only says this to make me feel better. The truth is I like my boss.
Besides, I'm enlightened now. You know, only Buddha-style behavior.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

“Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one,
A few feet of cold earth, when life is done;
A stone at the head, a stone at the feet,
A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat;
Rank grass over head, and damp clay around,
Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground!”
― Charles Dickens, The Complete Ghost Stories of Charles Dickens

“Are you fighting evil tonight?...Then you are doing the Lord's work. Shut the fuck up.”
― James R. Tuck, Blood and Bullets

“Christians rejected the need for proof to support belief in God, yet dismissed proof altogether when it was there.”
― Kira Peikoff, Living Proof

“Will you accept me?" Fury
"No. I'm here naked with you because all my clothes fell off by accident and I can't find them." Angelia
"You're a sarcastic little critter, aren't you?" Fury
"I learned it from you." Angelia”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dark Bites

“I was debating on jumping and ending my despair over losing my best friend, but I decided to call you instead.”
― Holly Hood, Ink

“Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard... -George Foster”
― Shawn Durnin

“Aren't you supposed to say that everything is going to be okay?”
― C.V. Hunt, Legacy

“The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)”
― Shawn Durnin

“Ok look man, you clearly are not hard up for money, you’re driving a range rover, so call whoever has your jaguar or benz and ask them to help you out. I got things to do.”
― Holly Hood, Prison of Paradise

“Wes sat in a cracked vinyl booth picking at his fries and listening to Amanda go on and on about the dress she'd found.
'...and it has these little lavender bows. Oh, Wes, I can't wait 'til you see it.' She gesticulated wildly, and her only saving grace right now was her amazing rack that swayed and bounced with each movement. Sometimes he swore that was the only reason he ever looked crosswise at Amanda Price. That, and her daddy's checkbook.
'And I found these shoes--"
'Uh huh, that's nice,' he cut her off and slid free from the booth. He held out his hand. 'Got the card?' He waved the bill in the air at her questioning gaze. Was she a little cross-eyed, maybe? He thought so.”
― Brandi Salazar, Midnight Masquerade

“I cannot take advice from anyone who does not know how to use the words, know and no correctly.”
― Niedria Dionne Kenny

“Sarcasm may seem clever, but it's a poison that kills love and trust, a man who uses it to speak to his family will reap only loneliness.”
― Shaila Touchton

“A man who seasons his words with sarcasm, poisons the relationships he's trying to nourish; for a family that's constantly pierced by his mocking tone, will eventually wither, leaving him to feast on the bitterness of his own solitude.”
― Shaila Touchton

“Lord, do you have the butterfly wings in my size?”
― Niedria Dionne Kenny