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Unf*ck Yourself
"Miss Manners with Fangs."LA Weekly
We live in a world that's very different from the one in which Emily Post came of age. Many of us who are nice (but who also sometimes say "f*ck") are frequently at a loss for guidelines about how to be a good person who deals effectively with the increasing onslaught of rudeness we all encounter.
To lead us out of the miasma of modern mannerlessness, science-based and bitingly funny syndicated advice columnist Amy Alkon rips the doily off the manners genre and gives us a new set of rules for our twenty-first century lives.
With wit, style, and a dash of snark, Alkon explains that we now live in societies too big for our brains, lacking the constraints on bad behavior that we had in the small bands we evolved in. Alkon shows us how we can reimpose those constraints, how we can avoid being one of the rude, and how to stand up to those who are.
Foregoing prissy advice on which utensil to use, Alkon answers the twenty-first century's most burning questions about manners, including:
Why do many people, especially those under forty, now find spontaneous phone calls rude?
What can you tape to your mailbox to stop dog walkers from letting their pooch violate your lawn?
How do you shut up the guy in the pharmacy line with his cellphone on speaker?
What small gift to your new neighbors might make them think twice about playing Metallica at 3 a.m.
Combining science with more than a touch of humor, Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck is destined to give good old Emily a shove off the etiquette shelf (if that's not too rude to say.
We live in a world that's very different from the one in which Emily Post came of age. Many of us who are nice (but who also sometimes say "f*ck") are frequently at a loss for guidelines about how to be a good person who deals effectively with the increasing onslaught of rudeness we all encounter.
To lead us out of the miasma of modern mannerlessness, science-based and bitingly funny syndicated advice columnist Amy Alkon rips the doily off the manners genre and gives us a new set of rules for our twenty-first century lives.
With wit, style, and a dash of snark, Alkon explains that we now live in societies too big for our brains, lacking the constraints on bad behavior that we had in the small bands we evolved in. Alkon shows us how we can reimpose those constraints, how we can avoid being one of the rude, and how to stand up to those who are.
Foregoing prissy advice on which utensil to use, Alkon answers the twenty-first century's most burning questions about manners, including:
Why do many people, especially those under forty, now find spontaneous phone calls rude?
What can you tape to your mailbox to stop dog walkers from letting their pooch violate your lawn?
How do you shut up the guy in the pharmacy line with his cellphone on speaker?
What small gift to your new neighbors might make them think twice about playing Metallica at 3 a.m.
Combining science with more than a touch of humor, Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck is destined to give good old Emily a shove off the etiquette shelf (if that's not too rude to say.
Audio CD
Published January 23, 2018
About the author
Amy Alkon
12 books59 followersAmy Alkon does “applied behavioral science,” translating scientific research into highly practical advice.
Her new book, published in January 2018 by St. Martin's Press, is the "science-help" book on how to transform to live with confidence: UNF*CKOLOGY: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence."
Alkon writes The Science Advice Goddess, an award-winning, syndicated column that runs in newspapers across the United States and Canada.
She is also the author of Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck and I See Rude People. She has been on Good Morning America, The Today Show, NPR, CNN, MTV, and does a weekly science podcast.
She has written for Psychology Today, Los Angeles Times, Los Angeles Times Magazine, the New York Daily News, among others, and has given a TED talk. She is the President of the Applied Evolutionary Psychology Society. She lives in Venice, California.
Follow Amy on Twitter: @amyalkon
For speaking engagements: http://www.macmillanspeakers.com/amya...
Her new book, published in January 2018 by St. Martin's Press, is the "science-help" book on how to transform to live with confidence: UNF*CKOLOGY: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence."
Alkon writes The Science Advice Goddess, an award-winning, syndicated column that runs in newspapers across the United States and Canada.
She is also the author of Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck and I See Rude People. She has been on Good Morning America, The Today Show, NPR, CNN, MTV, and does a weekly science podcast.
She has written for Psychology Today, Los Angeles Times, Los Angeles Times Magazine, the New York Daily News, among others, and has given a TED talk. She is the President of the Applied Evolutionary Psychology Society. She lives in Venice, California.
Follow Amy on Twitter: @amyalkon
For speaking engagements: http://www.macmillanspeakers.com/amya...
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Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews
April 1, 2018
This is an irreverent, bold read dipping both in neuropsychology research and in the reportedly personal experiences of the author. Ultimately this is a book with temper, according to the author: Q: This book spent several years trying to kill me.(c)
The idea of performing a Customer Satisfaction Survey on dates was hilarious! Spaceypants!
Q:
You have what it takes; it's just in hiding! (c)
Q:
You can’t order a lightly used spine off eBay. There’s no Find My Balls cousin of Find My iPhone. And nobody goes around in a tow truck with a big winch to yank people out of loserhood.(с)
Q:
I call this living by the “car crash principle.” People will tell you, “It was only after I got in that horrible car wreck that I realized I’d better seize the moment—stop wasting my life.” The way I see it, why wait? Why not choose to live that way right now—without the twisted metal... (c)
Q:
Pretty much erasing myself seemed a small price to pay for finally being liked. However, it meant that I often had no idea what I thought about anything—and not because I didn’t think. In fact, because I read lots of novels and loved logic, I was always thinking and reasoning. There was a point of view in there somewhere. But when I was around other people, what I thought was whatever I thought they’d want me to think. (c)
Q:
I knew tons of five-dollar and even fifty-six-dollar words from my years of endless reading, but I had yet to learn the word no. (c)
Q:
In fact, if tomorrow, David called me from the Arctic circle and told me he needed me, I’d hop on the phone to book, oh, three planes, two helicopters, and a team of sled dogs. The thing is, I’m pretty sure David would do the same for me. (c)
Q:
I started paying attention to people everybody seemed to like, and I noticed something extraordinary—how willing they all were to be unwilling to please. Here I was, always slaving away to be liked, and here they were, refusing requests and sometimes being disagreeable or bratty... Most amazingly, when they turned people down, they weren’t fired, excommunicated, or asked in a low voice to please leave. They were usually just met with “Oh, okay” or sometimes engaged in mild argument. Even if they didn’t get things their way, they seemed to garner respect for standing up for themselves—a far cry from the humiliating treatment I got when I showed people that there was no amount of backward that was too far for me to bend over in order to accommodate them. (c)
Q:
the potential reward from doing that—the prospect of yanking down the giant “kick me!” sign posted over my life—had become too tempting...So, I started doing what, these days, I often tell people who write me for advice to do: acting like I had dignity, or rather, acting as a specific person with dignity would act...
The more I stood up for myself (even while doing it as somebody else) the more I saw it was the right thing to do. It was so beautifully absurd. I was actually impersonating my way to becoming the real me.(c)
Q:
“Ease up, hard-ass,” I scolded myself. “You’re human. Of course you’re gonna say yes when you should be saying ‘Fuck no!’ Guess what: Tomorrow’s a new day. And if you say yes again tomorrow, well, do your best to say ‘Fuck no!’ the day after.” (c)
Q:
Say you just returned to that big important meeting in the conference room—with the back of your skirt tucked into the top of your purple thong underwear. When you discover this, what else is there to say but “Anyone have any thoughts on my big white ass cheeks, or shall we go straight to the budget?” (c)
Q:
I don’t mark my life in the usual milestones. I didn’t go to my college graduation. I love my boyfriend but feel no need to get married. I find children loud, sticky, and expensive. I also don’t celebrate my birthday. (The way I see it, if you are over twelve and not a cancer patient, do we really need to throw a party and give you prizes for surviving another year?) (c)
Q:
A few months later, in a Santa Monica court, the little blond revenge-seeker complained to the judge that I was “hostile and unpredictable.”
I couldn’t help but agree: “I’m both of those things, but I’m not violent.”
The restraining order was, of course, dismissed. (c)
Q:
...back then, I didn’t have a bent clue about the fuckmountain of science I ended up poring over for this book. (с)
Q:
Embodied cognition research shows that who you are is not just a product of your brain. It’s also in your breathing, your gut, the way you stand, the way you speak, and, while you’re speaking, whether you make eye contact or dart your eyes like you’re about to bolt under a car like a cat. ...
By consistently changing how you behave (down to how you move, breathe, and carry yourself), you can transform how you feel about yourself, how other people see and treat you, and who you are. It’s a massive, life-changing shift.(c)
Q:
That said, the conscious mind has more to do than sit around courtside looking pretty while the body makes jump shots. Consciousness is the brain’s verification department, and it does its job by looking at the circumstances surrounding the emotion. ...
This is really exciting, because it means that you can deliberately use body movement to shift how you feel. And by repeatedly changing your behavior—like by taking your rightful place at the table instead of automatically crawling under it—you change the way other people see and treat you. (c)
Q:
The natural impulse is to avoid your feelings. This works—about as well as sticking all of your unpaid bills in a drawer. (c)
Q:
So, just to review, as neuroscientist Damasio puts it: “Emotions play out in the theater of the body. Feelings play out in the theater of the mind.” (c)
Q:
Though we think of an emotion as a state of mind—the mental sense that something we’re experiencing is, say, sad, exciting, unfair, or sexy—emotions are actually more than mental reactions; they are motivational tools. Emotions push us to take action—for example: Kiss her! Get a lawyer! Hide the body in your freezer! (c)
Q:
Another example of how our actions affect our thinking is what I call the “up yours!” study. It centered around giving the finger—the middle finger, that is—that one-finger salute we Americans do when somebody pisses us off. Social psychologists Jesse Chandler and Norbert Schwarz wondered whether this might work the other way around—whether feeling pissed off could come out of unwittingly flipping the bird.
Perhaps out of some desire to make their study sound as boring as possible, they told their research subjects that they were exploring the effect of hand motion on reading comprehension. Some subjects were asked to move their middle finger up and down while reading a story about a guy named Donald (whose behavior could be viewed as either assertive or aggressive). Others were told to move their index finger.
Well, the subjects who had extended their middle finger rated Donald as more hostile—despite their being unaware that they’d just done a couple dozen reps of “go fuck yourself!” Yes, amazingly, our body movements seem to drive our emotions even when our consciousness is taking a break—off smoking a bowl or maybe bidding on a vintage Finnish ski jacket on eBay. (c)
Q: A remarkable effect that’s showing up in the social warmth/physical warmth and suspiciousness/fishiness research is what’s called “bidirectionality.”
I know; that sounds like bisexual acts taking place while you’re driving the wrong way down the freeway. But bidirectionality actually describes metaphorical effects that go both ways...
In short, it seems that physical experience leads to emotion and emotion also leads to physical experience. (c)
Q:
Happy is up. Hopeful is up. More is up. Progress is up. Success is up. And—most importantly—confidence is up. And what the research suggests is that the more you’re “up”—the more you get into the habit of sitting and standing up straight—the more you’ll be on your way to the new “taller” you. (c)
Q:
Doing is the key to doing.
And, once again, by repeatedly “doing” over time—by standing, speaking, gesturing, and generally acting like a confident person—you make changes in your brain that reshape your default behavior. At a certain point—as I experienced—you get to the point where you no longer need to act like the new you; you are the new you. (c)
Q:
Research on meditation by cardiologist and Harvard med school professor Herbert Benson finds that focusing on and repeating a word, a phrase, a sound, or even a movement a bunch of times in a row “breaks the chain of everyday thinking” (like ricocheting worries). This, in turn, seems to reduce your blood pressure and heart rate and diminish stress. Benson calls it the “relaxation response.” (c)
Q:
According to Harvard cardiologist Benson’s research on meditation practices throughout history, meditation requires only two steps:
Step One: repetition—of a word, phrase, sound, or movement.
Step Two: thought herding....
Mind-wandering is actually to be expected. Your thoughts aren’t jumping around because you’re a failure at meditation; they’re jumping around because you’re not dead...
Harvard cardiologist Benson reports that when he and his colleagues instructed their research subjects—Harvard med students they’d co-opted—to meditate using the word “one,” the benefits were “indistinguishable from those of transcendental meditation.”
Benson noted that religious people thought it was really wonderful that they went with “one,” reading it as “the oneness of God and the oneness of the universe.” Benson came clean: “Well, in truth, it’s because Harvard medical students couldn’t count to ten.”(c)
Q:
...anthropologist Jerome Barkow observed that we humans seem to have an internal monitoring system to tell us where we stand with our peeps. Barkow concluded that this monitoring system tracks our social status through our levels of dominance and prestige. (c)
Q:
Though we evolved to live cooperatively—and conformity is often a part of that—evolutionary psychologist Sznycer explains that the human mind is designed for resisting devaluation, not for conforming. In fact, Sznycer observes that there appears to be “pervasive design for resisting conformity.”
A good deal of research supports this notion, like psychologist Jack Brehm’s work on “psychological reactance,” which finds that the more we’re pressured to do something or to adopt a certain view or attitude the more we’ll try to resist being controlled. We also tend to respect people who are independent thinkers and who have the guts to stand up for their beliefs.
The truth is, though conforming is often in our interest, sometimes, being the outlier—taking the original or oddball way out—pays off better for us than following the pack. (с)
Q:
Though there are people who will always look down on Dresner, she’s won many over. Her strategy—“owning” behavior people consider shameful instead of hiding it—is effective because it’s what anthropologists and animal behaviorists call a “costly signal.” This describes an extravagant or risky trait or behavior that comes at a high price—one that handicaps a person or critter’s chances of survival and/or mating. This, in turn, suggests that it’s a reliable signal of their strength or other valuable qualities.
Israeli zoologist Amotz Zahavi, who calls this “the handicap principle,” gives the example of a little show gazelles put on for hyenas.
Hyenas have a name for gazelles: “Lunch.” So when a gazelle spots a hyena on the horizon, it goes, “Holyfuckamole! Time to bolt!” And some gazelles do take off—the weaker ones. But the strongest ones often stick around and do this weird thing called “stotting”—bouncing up and down in place, as if to say to the hyena, “Look, bro, I am gonna finish my espresso and maybe have a cigarette, and then I’ll consider taking off.”
...The message here? If you’re one of the, um, scrawnier gazelles, stotting (as in, putting on a brave show) may sometimes work for you. It is a risk, because others may see through it, but if the cost of failing isn’t ending up having your arm gnawed off by a hyena, it might just be a risk worth taking.(с)
Q:
In one of Adam and Galinsky’s experiments, subjects were given an attention test while they wore either a doctor’s lab coat or their street clothes. Those in the doctor’s lab coat made about half as many errors. In a subsequent attention test, some subjects were told the white coat was a doctor’s lab coat, and others were told it was an artist’s (a painter’s), and those who thought they were wearing doctor garb showed far more attention to detail. (c)
Q:
A technique called “cognitive reappraisal” is really helpful for shrinking your looming sucky feelings to a more manageable size. It simply involves changing how you interpret a situation to change how it impacts you emotionally.
Let’s say that you—like my author friend—need to introduce yourself to some important stranger. At the thought of this, a lightning bolt of fear comes down and slices you in two. Now, you could just lie there on the floor in pieces, still smoking slightly, until the stranger goes away—or you could do a little rethinking.
That rethinking would go something like this: No, this is not a fearsome experience; it’s an opportunity. In fact, you could see it as multiple opportunities. It’s an opportunity to show your courage. And it’s an opportunity for opportunity. As I say about why I regularly strike up conversations with people I don’t know: “Be friendly; magic sometimes happens.”
Psychologist James J. Gross, who’s done much of the research on reappraisal, finds that reappraisal is most successful when it’s done early on in the emotional process—as an emotion is first bubbling up. This helps keep your cognitive resources from getting hijacked, which helps keep you from freezing in place like a pillar of salt. (c)
Q:
...anxiety-as-excitement reappraisal...
Harvard Business School’s Alison Wood Brooks points out that anxiety is “signaled by increased heart rate”—but so is excitement. Her research suggests that reappraising your pre-performance anxiety as excitement actually helps you feel excited—and less nervous—and perform better because of it.... (c)
Q:
The idea of performing a Customer Satisfaction Survey on dates was hilarious! Spaceypants!
Q:
You have what it takes; it's just in hiding! (c)
Q:
You can’t order a lightly used spine off eBay. There’s no Find My Balls cousin of Find My iPhone. And nobody goes around in a tow truck with a big winch to yank people out of loserhood.(с)
Q:
I call this living by the “car crash principle.” People will tell you, “It was only after I got in that horrible car wreck that I realized I’d better seize the moment—stop wasting my life.” The way I see it, why wait? Why not choose to live that way right now—without the twisted metal... (c)
Q:
Pretty much erasing myself seemed a small price to pay for finally being liked. However, it meant that I often had no idea what I thought about anything—and not because I didn’t think. In fact, because I read lots of novels and loved logic, I was always thinking and reasoning. There was a point of view in there somewhere. But when I was around other people, what I thought was whatever I thought they’d want me to think. (c)
Q:
I knew tons of five-dollar and even fifty-six-dollar words from my years of endless reading, but I had yet to learn the word no. (c)
Q:
In fact, if tomorrow, David called me from the Arctic circle and told me he needed me, I’d hop on the phone to book, oh, three planes, two helicopters, and a team of sled dogs. The thing is, I’m pretty sure David would do the same for me. (c)
Q:
I started paying attention to people everybody seemed to like, and I noticed something extraordinary—how willing they all were to be unwilling to please. Here I was, always slaving away to be liked, and here they were, refusing requests and sometimes being disagreeable or bratty... Most amazingly, when they turned people down, they weren’t fired, excommunicated, or asked in a low voice to please leave. They were usually just met with “Oh, okay” or sometimes engaged in mild argument. Even if they didn’t get things their way, they seemed to garner respect for standing up for themselves—a far cry from the humiliating treatment I got when I showed people that there was no amount of backward that was too far for me to bend over in order to accommodate them. (c)
Q:
the potential reward from doing that—the prospect of yanking down the giant “kick me!” sign posted over my life—had become too tempting...So, I started doing what, these days, I often tell people who write me for advice to do: acting like I had dignity, or rather, acting as a specific person with dignity would act...
The more I stood up for myself (even while doing it as somebody else) the more I saw it was the right thing to do. It was so beautifully absurd. I was actually impersonating my way to becoming the real me.(c)
Q:
“Ease up, hard-ass,” I scolded myself. “You’re human. Of course you’re gonna say yes when you should be saying ‘Fuck no!’ Guess what: Tomorrow’s a new day. And if you say yes again tomorrow, well, do your best to say ‘Fuck no!’ the day after.” (c)
Q:
Say you just returned to that big important meeting in the conference room—with the back of your skirt tucked into the top of your purple thong underwear. When you discover this, what else is there to say but “Anyone have any thoughts on my big white ass cheeks, or shall we go straight to the budget?” (c)
Q:
I don’t mark my life in the usual milestones. I didn’t go to my college graduation. I love my boyfriend but feel no need to get married. I find children loud, sticky, and expensive. I also don’t celebrate my birthday. (The way I see it, if you are over twelve and not a cancer patient, do we really need to throw a party and give you prizes for surviving another year?) (c)
Q:
A few months later, in a Santa Monica court, the little blond revenge-seeker complained to the judge that I was “hostile and unpredictable.”
I couldn’t help but agree: “I’m both of those things, but I’m not violent.”
The restraining order was, of course, dismissed. (c)
Q:
...back then, I didn’t have a bent clue about the fuckmountain of science I ended up poring over for this book. (с)
Q:
Embodied cognition research shows that who you are is not just a product of your brain. It’s also in your breathing, your gut, the way you stand, the way you speak, and, while you’re speaking, whether you make eye contact or dart your eyes like you’re about to bolt under a car like a cat. ...
By consistently changing how you behave (down to how you move, breathe, and carry yourself), you can transform how you feel about yourself, how other people see and treat you, and who you are. It’s a massive, life-changing shift.(c)
Q:
That said, the conscious mind has more to do than sit around courtside looking pretty while the body makes jump shots. Consciousness is the brain’s verification department, and it does its job by looking at the circumstances surrounding the emotion. ...
This is really exciting, because it means that you can deliberately use body movement to shift how you feel. And by repeatedly changing your behavior—like by taking your rightful place at the table instead of automatically crawling under it—you change the way other people see and treat you. (c)
Q:
The natural impulse is to avoid your feelings. This works—about as well as sticking all of your unpaid bills in a drawer. (c)
Q:
So, just to review, as neuroscientist Damasio puts it: “Emotions play out in the theater of the body. Feelings play out in the theater of the mind.” (c)
Q:
Though we think of an emotion as a state of mind—the mental sense that something we’re experiencing is, say, sad, exciting, unfair, or sexy—emotions are actually more than mental reactions; they are motivational tools. Emotions push us to take action—for example: Kiss her! Get a lawyer! Hide the body in your freezer! (c)
Q:
Another example of how our actions affect our thinking is what I call the “up yours!” study. It centered around giving the finger—the middle finger, that is—that one-finger salute we Americans do when somebody pisses us off. Social psychologists Jesse Chandler and Norbert Schwarz wondered whether this might work the other way around—whether feeling pissed off could come out of unwittingly flipping the bird.
Perhaps out of some desire to make their study sound as boring as possible, they told their research subjects that they were exploring the effect of hand motion on reading comprehension. Some subjects were asked to move their middle finger up and down while reading a story about a guy named Donald (whose behavior could be viewed as either assertive or aggressive). Others were told to move their index finger.
Well, the subjects who had extended their middle finger rated Donald as more hostile—despite their being unaware that they’d just done a couple dozen reps of “go fuck yourself!” Yes, amazingly, our body movements seem to drive our emotions even when our consciousness is taking a break—off smoking a bowl or maybe bidding on a vintage Finnish ski jacket on eBay. (c)
Q: A remarkable effect that’s showing up in the social warmth/physical warmth and suspiciousness/fishiness research is what’s called “bidirectionality.”
I know; that sounds like bisexual acts taking place while you’re driving the wrong way down the freeway. But bidirectionality actually describes metaphorical effects that go both ways...
In short, it seems that physical experience leads to emotion and emotion also leads to physical experience. (c)
Q:
Happy is up. Hopeful is up. More is up. Progress is up. Success is up. And—most importantly—confidence is up. And what the research suggests is that the more you’re “up”—the more you get into the habit of sitting and standing up straight—the more you’ll be on your way to the new “taller” you. (c)
Q:
Doing is the key to doing.
And, once again, by repeatedly “doing” over time—by standing, speaking, gesturing, and generally acting like a confident person—you make changes in your brain that reshape your default behavior. At a certain point—as I experienced—you get to the point where you no longer need to act like the new you; you are the new you. (c)
Q:
Research on meditation by cardiologist and Harvard med school professor Herbert Benson finds that focusing on and repeating a word, a phrase, a sound, or even a movement a bunch of times in a row “breaks the chain of everyday thinking” (like ricocheting worries). This, in turn, seems to reduce your blood pressure and heart rate and diminish stress. Benson calls it the “relaxation response.” (c)
Q:
According to Harvard cardiologist Benson’s research on meditation practices throughout history, meditation requires only two steps:
Step One: repetition—of a word, phrase, sound, or movement.
Step Two: thought herding....
Mind-wandering is actually to be expected. Your thoughts aren’t jumping around because you’re a failure at meditation; they’re jumping around because you’re not dead...
Harvard cardiologist Benson reports that when he and his colleagues instructed their research subjects—Harvard med students they’d co-opted—to meditate using the word “one,” the benefits were “indistinguishable from those of transcendental meditation.”
Benson noted that religious people thought it was really wonderful that they went with “one,” reading it as “the oneness of God and the oneness of the universe.” Benson came clean: “Well, in truth, it’s because Harvard medical students couldn’t count to ten.”(c)
Q:
...anthropologist Jerome Barkow observed that we humans seem to have an internal monitoring system to tell us where we stand with our peeps. Barkow concluded that this monitoring system tracks our social status through our levels of dominance and prestige. (c)
Q:
Though we evolved to live cooperatively—and conformity is often a part of that—evolutionary psychologist Sznycer explains that the human mind is designed for resisting devaluation, not for conforming. In fact, Sznycer observes that there appears to be “pervasive design for resisting conformity.”
A good deal of research supports this notion, like psychologist Jack Brehm’s work on “psychological reactance,” which finds that the more we’re pressured to do something or to adopt a certain view or attitude the more we’ll try to resist being controlled. We also tend to respect people who are independent thinkers and who have the guts to stand up for their beliefs.
The truth is, though conforming is often in our interest, sometimes, being the outlier—taking the original or oddball way out—pays off better for us than following the pack. (с)
Q:
Though there are people who will always look down on Dresner, she’s won many over. Her strategy—“owning” behavior people consider shameful instead of hiding it—is effective because it’s what anthropologists and animal behaviorists call a “costly signal.” This describes an extravagant or risky trait or behavior that comes at a high price—one that handicaps a person or critter’s chances of survival and/or mating. This, in turn, suggests that it’s a reliable signal of their strength or other valuable qualities.
Israeli zoologist Amotz Zahavi, who calls this “the handicap principle,” gives the example of a little show gazelles put on for hyenas.
Hyenas have a name for gazelles: “Lunch.” So when a gazelle spots a hyena on the horizon, it goes, “Holyfuckamole! Time to bolt!” And some gazelles do take off—the weaker ones. But the strongest ones often stick around and do this weird thing called “stotting”—bouncing up and down in place, as if to say to the hyena, “Look, bro, I am gonna finish my espresso and maybe have a cigarette, and then I’ll consider taking off.”
...The message here? If you’re one of the, um, scrawnier gazelles, stotting (as in, putting on a brave show) may sometimes work for you. It is a risk, because others may see through it, but if the cost of failing isn’t ending up having your arm gnawed off by a hyena, it might just be a risk worth taking.(с)
Q:
In one of Adam and Galinsky’s experiments, subjects were given an attention test while they wore either a doctor’s lab coat or their street clothes. Those in the doctor’s lab coat made about half as many errors. In a subsequent attention test, some subjects were told the white coat was a doctor’s lab coat, and others were told it was an artist’s (a painter’s), and those who thought they were wearing doctor garb showed far more attention to detail. (c)
Q:
A technique called “cognitive reappraisal” is really helpful for shrinking your looming sucky feelings to a more manageable size. It simply involves changing how you interpret a situation to change how it impacts you emotionally.
Let’s say that you—like my author friend—need to introduce yourself to some important stranger. At the thought of this, a lightning bolt of fear comes down and slices you in two. Now, you could just lie there on the floor in pieces, still smoking slightly, until the stranger goes away—or you could do a little rethinking.
That rethinking would go something like this: No, this is not a fearsome experience; it’s an opportunity. In fact, you could see it as multiple opportunities. It’s an opportunity to show your courage. And it’s an opportunity for opportunity. As I say about why I regularly strike up conversations with people I don’t know: “Be friendly; magic sometimes happens.”
Psychologist James J. Gross, who’s done much of the research on reappraisal, finds that reappraisal is most successful when it’s done early on in the emotional process—as an emotion is first bubbling up. This helps keep your cognitive resources from getting hijacked, which helps keep you from freezing in place like a pillar of salt. (c)
Q:
...anxiety-as-excitement reappraisal...
Harvard Business School’s Alison Wood Brooks points out that anxiety is “signaled by increased heart rate”—but so is excitement. Her research suggests that reappraising your pre-performance anxiety as excitement actually helps you feel excited—and less nervous—and perform better because of it.... (c)
Q:
April 12, 2018
This was an impulse purchase - I could have lived without it. While I liked some of the book, much of the advice I have read elsewhere. In addition, I was not really the target audience - this seems to be written for those who are afraid of social contact and that is not me. However, as I said I liked some of it, and I guess I can take a few things with me.
Furthermore, I was ready to give this book four out of five stars until the last chapter when the author decided to talk about relationships and who should pursue whom. It was very old-fashioned and in opposition to part of the title says, "...living your life with guts and confidence."
Furthermore, I was ready to give this book four out of five stars until the last chapter when the author decided to talk about relationships and who should pursue whom. It was very old-fashioned and in opposition to part of the title says, "...living your life with guts and confidence."
January 29, 2018
I loved this book. I'm not necessarily a big fan of some of there language, but I get it, so it didn't bother me overly. I appreciated the irreverent mix of serious science, practical step by step advice, and silly humor. I knew some of the techniques empirically, but was happy to see the research backing it up.
(Minor quibble: I think the Advil/Asprin suggestion is probably a bad idea)
I've already started implementing some of the new techniques I learned and will be going through the book a second time.
Highly recommend.
(Minor quibble: I think the Advil/Asprin suggestion is probably a bad idea)
I've already started implementing some of the new techniques I learned and will be going through the book a second time.
Highly recommend.
July 12, 2019
There was a lot of good content in this book and I really enjoyed the scientific backing and context she provided in a great many instances- but this book, overall, is one of the most disorganized, scattered train of thoughts I've read in a long time. I love her humor, I liked most of her message, but listening to this book made it impossible to take any actual takeaways because it was so disorganized. Perhaps my experience would have been different had I read the book rather than listened to the audiobook, but I do not recommend the experience I had with the book.
February 19, 2018
Amy's wit and wisdom shine in her clever writing style. I enjoyed her research and scientific findings leading her to break free from her former self. This is not the same old self-help type of book, it's more. Her inclusion of why we do what we do (with scientific backing) that limits our confidence is helpful and intriguing enough for a reader to think, "Hey, I might wanna just give this stuff a try!"
March 14, 2018
Going to go ahead and give this five stars based on the value of the information within, despite the fact that the hyperbolic delivery gives new meaning to the term, "extra." ;)
September 3, 2018
This seems quite good.
It's written in an enaging style, with lots of humour and hyperbole and swearing and personal anecdotes. But also with lots of solid research backing it up and lots of "now I know that this is going to sound like whacky new-age bullshit, but these studies have shown that it is effective because X". I like that.
Even the inevitable, obligatory repetition of points (eg. "neurons that fire together wire together") is done entertainingly.
There is also lots of specific, concrete advice, after the background and theory of each topic; it's not just a bunch of hand-wavy, feel-good "principles".
I did not take any notes while I read this - but I think I will read it again in a few months and do so, and then periodically review those notes. (I can't imagine saying that about any other self-help book that I've ever come across (other than maybe ones on mental-math tricks and memory tricks, if you count those in the self-help category).)
It's written in an enaging style, with lots of humour and hyperbole and swearing and personal anecdotes. But also with lots of solid research backing it up and lots of "now I know that this is going to sound like whacky new-age bullshit, but these studies have shown that it is effective because X". I like that.
Even the inevitable, obligatory repetition of points (eg. "neurons that fire together wire together") is done entertainingly.
There is also lots of specific, concrete advice, after the background and theory of each topic; it's not just a bunch of hand-wavy, feel-good "principles".
I did not take any notes while I read this - but I think I will read it again in a few months and do so, and then periodically review those notes. (I can't imagine saying that about any other self-help book that I've ever come across (other than maybe ones on mental-math tricks and memory tricks, if you count those in the self-help category).)
March 29, 2019
Alkon bills this as a science-help, as opposed to self-help, book. Although that might sound gimmicky, it's an apt description. Unf*ckology is guide to living an assertive, fulfilling life, which might sound pretty self-helpy, but what separates it from its competitors is that it is solidly grounded in the latest research from the behavioral sciences.
Alkon is the real deal. She's spent years interviewing the world's leading scholars on her radio show, and in this work she outlines their findings and explains how to apply these findings to our own lives. Some highlights for me included her discussion of affect labeling (crazy, but simply verbalizing your emotions can quickly reduce their intensity) and rituals (going through a set routine has been shown to reduce performance anxiety). Oh, and I should add that her writing style is great -- clear, concise, appropriately profane.
Alkon is the real deal. She's spent years interviewing the world's leading scholars on her radio show, and in this work she outlines their findings and explains how to apply these findings to our own lives. Some highlights for me included her discussion of affect labeling (crazy, but simply verbalizing your emotions can quickly reduce their intensity) and rituals (going through a set routine has been shown to reduce performance anxiety). Oh, and I should add that her writing style is great -- clear, concise, appropriately profane.
July 31, 2020
Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
You might want read Your body is your brain instead. Unless you like the style when authors switches from swearing at your and themselves to comforting both.
Had I not have read a lot of other books about the topic, I would have liked it I guess.
You might want read Your body is your brain instead. Unless you like the style when authors switches from swearing at your and themselves to comforting both.
Had I not have read a lot of other books about the topic, I would have liked it I guess.
May 11, 2018
Amy Alkon essentially -- and irreverently -- breaks down the science behind such hoary chestnuts as "fake it until you make it" and "just do it". Alkon says that advice is more helpful than annoying, thanks to evolutionary biology, neuroscience and what appear to be countless studies.
Her argument is that the goal to living a full life is to do it, to live through action, which will help overcome habits, emotions and feelings to create some new feedback loops. She also offers a lot of hacks to help live with more confidence.
This is longer than it needs to be and while Alkon is funny, her style can be a bit too much to sit with after a while, probably what going to dinner with an Ace Ventura era Jim Carrey would be like. While she touches on her own experience of changing her life from passive to active, I found that really compelling and wonder if another book, focusing on her story rather than her studies and science, is in her somewhere.
Her argument is that the goal to living a full life is to do it, to live through action, which will help overcome habits, emotions and feelings to create some new feedback loops. She also offers a lot of hacks to help live with more confidence.
This is longer than it needs to be and while Alkon is funny, her style can be a bit too much to sit with after a while, probably what going to dinner with an Ace Ventura era Jim Carrey would be like. While she touches on her own experience of changing her life from passive to active, I found that really compelling and wonder if another book, focusing on her story rather than her studies and science, is in her somewhere.
April 17, 2018
Amy is a living example showing that her ideas work. She has done a ton of research and talked to numerous experts to create this guide to living confidently. I would never have believed that Amy was a pushover wimp before I met her. She is confident, funny, and determined. If you want to break out from saying yes when you mean no, letting other people make up your mind for you, then read this book. The language is salty--Amy says using strong words helps make you be stronger--so be aware.
March 16, 2018
This book felt denser than it needed to be, yet by its ending I understood why. It is a reminder that no one accomplished anything by staying safe and there’s really no point to fear. If you’re looking for a “go get em tiger” type of read, check this one out. I think you would get your takeaways by skimming it, though.
September 26, 2018
So-so book. It has interesting insights but in general, it isn't my style.
August 7, 2018
Amy Alkon's EXCELLENT book, "Unf*ckology" offers hope to anyone and everyone who feels like they've either fallen head first or stepped into a slab of quick-drying cement and finds themselves completely stuck and unable to move forward in their life. With wit as sharp as an exacto knife and no-nonsense (and frequently salty!) language, she helps walk you through easy-to-understand-and-follow exercises that break down barriers keeping us from succeeding, both socially and professionally.
Because this ain't your granny's self-help book, you get chapters with unlikely titles such as "Eat Shit and Die", "You Suck. Or Do You?" and "Rise and Spine", plus many more gems designed to help you shake off the dusty boots of confidence you may or may not have ever been able to squeeze into. By presenting science-based solutions for even the most sheepish slugs among us, Ms. Alkon's techniques for overcoming a life in Loserville isn't just conjecture, she's backed it up with findings by prominent psychologists and neuroscientists.
In the hands of a dry, dull writer, psych-babble from experts can be an instant buzzkill, but her hilarious approach to real-world problems makes you that much more willing to hang around for the payoff. Sure, you're still doing the actual work in trying to conquer what ails you, but she adds just the right amount of kick-ass, can-do spirit that'll give you the ability to knock down just about any brick walls keeping you from living a more fulfilling life.
Unapologetic in citing her own humble, wimpy beginnings, she shows us that even with a lot of miserable life experiences, you can retrain your brain (and body) and recreate a more confident, fabulous YOU!
Because this ain't your granny's self-help book, you get chapters with unlikely titles such as "Eat Shit and Die", "You Suck. Or Do You?" and "Rise and Spine", plus many more gems designed to help you shake off the dusty boots of confidence you may or may not have ever been able to squeeze into. By presenting science-based solutions for even the most sheepish slugs among us, Ms. Alkon's techniques for overcoming a life in Loserville isn't just conjecture, she's backed it up with findings by prominent psychologists and neuroscientists.
In the hands of a dry, dull writer, psych-babble from experts can be an instant buzzkill, but her hilarious approach to real-world problems makes you that much more willing to hang around for the payoff. Sure, you're still doing the actual work in trying to conquer what ails you, but she adds just the right amount of kick-ass, can-do spirit that'll give you the ability to knock down just about any brick walls keeping you from living a more fulfilling life.
Unapologetic in citing her own humble, wimpy beginnings, she shows us that even with a lot of miserable life experiences, you can retrain your brain (and body) and recreate a more confident, fabulous YOU!
March 16, 2019
I enjoyed reading this for Amy's humour and research. Also, learning about the science behind becoming confident was absolutely facinating. For me, the main takeaway was doing is the key to becoming so "be bolder than you think you have any right to be!" Yes!!!
As a caveat, I will admit that I skipped through some parts because I found it to be hetronormative (largely around dating) and from one perspective, but with that said, I still would recommend the book - especially if someone is interested in the science and research studies.
By the way, if you like this sort of thing, I felt this was a good companion book to The Happiness Equation by Neil Pasricha who writes about the same scientific findings.
As a caveat, I will admit that I skipped through some parts because I found it to be hetronormative (largely around dating) and from one perspective, but with that said, I still would recommend the book - especially if someone is interested in the science and research studies.
By the way, if you like this sort of thing, I felt this was a good companion book to The Happiness Equation by Neil Pasricha who writes about the same scientific findings.
September 25, 2022
I read this book for no other reason than because Haley Nahman recommended it on her weekly newsletter, and I'm glad that I took a chance on this because "self help" books are often useless, and this one wasn't.
I'm not an anxious person by nature, so what I took away from this may be different than other people. Primarily I found the "brain stuff" interesting and probably useful. And for me, the book started with the most novel information first and gradually became more familiar and less useful/interesting by the end.
Though I dragged my feet finishing this for other reasons, it's a fairly quick read and probably a net benefit to most people, whether they're anxious neurotic freaks or not.
I'm not an anxious person by nature, so what I took away from this may be different than other people. Primarily I found the "brain stuff" interesting and probably useful. And for me, the book started with the most novel information first and gradually became more familiar and less useful/interesting by the end.
Though I dragged my feet finishing this for other reasons, it's a fairly quick read and probably a net benefit to most people, whether they're anxious neurotic freaks or not.
August 17, 2018
This is my first book review on this platform. This book is unfairly maligned for weird reasons. I’m 26 and over the past year I’ve been dealing with cystic acne that has destroyed my well-being. Before the acne arrived, I was a good looking confident dude, but I fell apart in profound ways once the attention I was getting was no longer positive. This book was instrumental in me furiously nodding my head and rehabilitating my psyche. Anyone who has suffered a lack of self-kindness should read this book. It’s no bullshit, it’s fucking science.
January 29, 2019
Too technical not much content
I can say about this book that I really appreciate all the work the author did in gathering scientific information to back up her teachings. But really there wasn’t a moment in the book where I felt that I was discovering some breakthrough. Having said that this book got me to start meditating and doing my abdominal exercises. Something I swore I couldn’t do. So it must have been a good read to get me to accomplish that. I think it’s a really good book but I regret paying $9 for it.
I can say about this book that I really appreciate all the work the author did in gathering scientific information to back up her teachings. But really there wasn’t a moment in the book where I felt that I was discovering some breakthrough. Having said that this book got me to start meditating and doing my abdominal exercises. Something I swore I couldn’t do. So it must have been a good read to get me to accomplish that. I think it’s a really good book but I regret paying $9 for it.
August 20, 2018
This book was both fun and well-documented, with a wealth of psychological information worked in with the author's personal experiences. Ms. Alkon is a member of the "fake it till you make" it club, encouraging her reader to act boldly and courageously, not matter what the internal voices seem to be saying. An irreverent book with an irreverent title, Unf*ckology give out plenty of tips on how to overcome fear and anxiety, just as the author has done.
August 27, 2018
I give it a 5 because it's by far the best book of this type I've ever seen. However, some points about "culture is not important" were not at all convincing. My Ukrainian ass has no clue (aside from my English dictionary of course) what's suspicious about fish smell. And what about the last part, about relationship and all, well, this might be the most effective method, but is it really worth it?
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 2, 2020
You know me, I read self help books with curse words in their title. But I don’t think I was the target audience for this one. There was still good advice about projecting confidence. I was not, however, thrilled with all the evolutionary psychology that was bandied around like it is fact. There are some disputes in the social sciences about how accurate it is, especially getting into gender roles.
July 15, 2022
As far as self help books go, this is the gold standard. Being aware that it is in fact a part of the aforementioned genre is good to know, even though Amy likes to joke that it is not. They amount of evolutionary, biologic, and psychological evidence and reference that she has included here is really what makes me keep picking up books. Thank you for the laugh out loud moments and the life changing content, Amy.
September 10, 2020
Enjoyed reading this book, if people want to climb out their abyss of misery, this book offers a good start, unlike any other hyperbole of the self-help pseudoscience market of a quick fix. The Journeying through the pages with Amy Akom is itself an educative as well as an entertaining ride. This is because she an author with wit, graceful and concise!
January 29, 2019
It's weird and fascinating to read about yourself and what you've done for years, unconsciously, to make yourself feel better about, well, yourself. It's singularly fascinating to know why what worked worked. If Amy ever does a poster boy/girl series of success stories for this book, I'll apply.
July 18, 2019
This is a great read regardless of the kind of personality you have. There are some interestingly useful hacks to going about your life possessing more courage and fervour. What makes it great is the series of personal accounts that the author has shared with us.
September 10, 2020
An excellent, humorous, and frankly enlightening read that will educate you about human nature while also giving you actionable, empirically validated strategies to feel more confident (and have reason to like yourself more).
October 1, 2020
I love reading "down to earth books" with real language, however I found there were some parts where the author just wanted to un-necessarily swear.
I did take some things away from this book, but a lot of it I just skimmed through.
I did take some things away from this book, but a lot of it I just skimmed through.
August 5, 2023
This is a nice self help book for the late 2010s, however I read this in 2023 and things have happened that aren't as relevant to the 2010s, like a major health pandemic and perpetual crisis. All the same, a good book to read and really fun and informative at the same time.
March 13, 2018
She's not a fan of CBT and I firmly disagree.
Not much here for use for me and I find the title just eye catching.
My reading list now is just too long.......
Not much here for use for me and I find the title just eye catching.
My reading list now is just too long.......
February 17, 2019
Practical advice with a wicked sense of humour-fabulously researched, witty and thought-provoking.
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