Once we get the whole space-travel thing going, what is the best idea that we should prioritize, as a species? Well, it turns out that future-us thinkOnce we get the whole space-travel thing going, what is the best idea that we should prioritize, as a species? Well, it turns out that future-us thinks that we need to set-up a new planet with super-intelligent monkeys ruling it. Because, apparently, future-us never saw a movie. Or are such dumbasses that we took the worst idea possible and decided to run with that.
[image] See? Now, this is a good idea. There's a big difference.
But, luckily someone realized that maybe they didn't want to doom us all to be monkey-slaves someday and did the most reasonable thing to stop this from happening: they killed all the monkeys. Now, I'm not a big monkey-lover in general. They are a little too gross for my liking. Give me a baby seal, or a squirrel, or bunny over a stinking monkey any day, but couldn't there possibly have been a better way to stop this thing than burning all the monkeys up? It wasn't their idea. Why should they suffer for some idiot scientist's terrible idea? I mean, come on, Earthlings? You used to be cool. (Okay, not now, but I'm assuming somewhere along the line.)
So, the monkeys are dead but the super-intelligence virus was already released upon the planet, and.... well, I guess you all know what has to happen.... that's right, super-intelligent spiders. Oh, and they are giant too for some reason, cuz why the hell not? When it's FUBAR, might as well go balls to walls.
[image] Oh yeah, this is great. Nothing can possibly go wrong here.
Shockingly, we eventually destroy our own planet and have to send out spaceships with the last of humanity to find one of those habitable planets we discovered way back when. But, you know, nobody actually knows about the spider-thing. yeah. That's not gonna bite us in the ass.
[image] Or maybe it will. Literally.
This book is a long epic tale of the evolution of the spider-planet and the last hope for the survival of mankind. Thousands of years of history is written in alternating chapters of each species. It is surprisingly fascinating. Like, I can't believe I liked this thing, but it was amazing. The spiders start out as neanderachnids and end up a sophisticated race of reasoning beings. But, we watch them go through things like the beginnings of self-awareness, to building a religion, to building cities and civilizations. You forget that they are disgusting spiders for a while. Then, they do something spidery or talk about their spider bodies and..
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*shudder*
So, I would say if you are really arachnophobic, you won't want to read it. Since there are no pictures, though, and if you aren't that freaked out by spiders, then you will probably really like this book. It was way better than I thought it would be....more
Ready to be mind-fucked? Again? Blake Crouch fucked us in Dark Matter, and now he's texting us at midnight saying, "you up?"
[image] Much like with thisReady to be mind-fucked? Again? Blake Crouch fucked us in Dark Matter, and now he's texting us at midnight saying, "you up?"
[image] Much like with this book, I'm intrigued....
When I first started reading I was a little thrown off by the writing style. It is written in the present tense, which is unusual, so it felt a little strange until I got used to it. But, it makes a lot of sense as a creative choice because of how important time is in the story. That is my geeky grammarian talking. She needed you to know this.
The book starts out by building up our characters. It can feel a little slow or like some of it isn't important, but it all is. So, read it carefully! Everything makes sense and comes together later.
[image] although you might feel like this guy by the end.
The whole thing is about memories and how they shape our reality. What would happen if we woke up one day and suddenly had the memories of a completely different life - while still remembering the life we are living? How would that affect us mentally? And, what if we suddenly got a series of memories of different lives? How much could we handle before we question everything about reality?
"If memory is unreliable, if the past and the present can simply change without warning, then fact and truth will cease to exist. How do we live in a world like that?"
[image] That crown is made of tin foil.
So, we go back in forth in POV's. The first is of Barry, a cop in New York, who comes across a suicidal woman with a case of FMS - False Memory Syndrome. This disease has been making headlines as people suddenly acquire memories of a life they never had. Barry starts looking into the whole thing. The second POV is Helena's. She's a scientist who is trying to find a way to help Alzheimer's patients regain their memories. Her mother has the disease and it's very personal to her. She is approached by a billionaire who offers her funding for her research.
The book will continually take unexpected paths and you will always love it. My suggestion is that you carve out a little time to read this, because you won't want to put it down.
My only unhappy moment was the very last line in the book. Oh, Blake Crouch, why do I always answer your booty calls?
This book... why did no one tell me about this book? I thought you guys were my friends! I thought you knew me! You had to know that it would b[image]
This book... why did no one tell me about this book? I thought you guys were my friends! I thought you knew me! You had to know that it would be like magical rainbows made of the best chocolate ever to me. You all let me down.
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Okay, well for those of you who DIDN'T know about this book - you know - my GOOD friends - you need to read it. It is the funniest, craziest, sassiest, most original story ever! I'm not over-selling this at all.
I knew from the first line in this book that I was going to be enchanted:
CHAPTER 1 The Villain Monologues “AND NOW, I will tell you of my plans to take over the Kingdom,” the evil wizard and total douchebag Lartin the Dark Leaf said with a cackle.
Yeah, love at first sight for me and this baby.
Our hero is Sam, a wizard's apprentice. His best friend is Gary, a gay hornless unicorn. Don't even think of calling him a horse. He gets pretty angry about that, and you don't want to see Gary angry.
“He’s lucky I don’t have my horn back yet,” Gary muttered. “There’d be so much goring, it’d be unreal. It’d be like Gore City up in here."
Their third faithful companion is a half-giant who likes to smash. Consider him like Hulk. To start the story, Hulk smashes an annoying bad guy who monologues for way too long. This smashing will come back to haunt our friends over and over again as they adventure through magical forests and stuff.
Their quest: Saving the jerk-ass prince in time for his gay wedding to Ryan, the knight. Ryan is not just any knight, he's Sam's crush, so this wedding thing kind of sucks for him. To help Sam, the king sets up a party where he invites a bunch of gay bachelors to meet Sam in hopes of hooking him up. That's what you call a cool king. The king is awesome in so many ways. Here is where Sam is painting the king's portrait:
King regally posed next to a stained-glass window. I had the easel set up a few feet away from him as I studied him closely, wanting to make sure I got his likeness just right. “Oops,” I said. “Oops,” the King said. “What oops?” “Okay, so, how would you feel if you looked like you had boobs?” “Am I busty?” “Very. You also have three of them.” “Good. Proceed.” ..."Oops" "Oops?" “So, hypothetically. Okay, that was a lie. It’s not hypothetical. I painted you to be as big as the Great White and you’re destroying Meridian City like a giant monster. My muse is obviously a surrealist and I must follow her into the artistic abyss.” “Am I breathing fire?” My eyes widened. “You could be. I have so much puce.” “Make it so.”
Lol! Now I get why Gary and Sam call him a KILF. He's a total KILF.
[image] As opposed to this king, the KIRFS (King I'd Run From Screaming). It's been years and yet still... seriously, Burger King, WTF?
Sam meets one guy that he likes a bit, Todd, so he goes to dinner with him. Unfortunately, there is not one thing in the restaurant that Sam can eat because it's Duck and Blueberry night and he's allergic to both. He doesn't hold that against Todd.
“So. Todd.” He nodded, throat working. “How is your… life?” Smooth, that. And all encompassing. (Did I mention Todd's a nervous wreck too? This date wins for most awkward of all times, but Sam wants to reassure Todd) “You’re off to a good start. Mostly. Maybe not the Food of Death thing.” Better. That's some good encouragement.
Okay, so quick story: We used to go to this one restaurant a lot and to get there, my husband would always take this shortcut through an alley and I would get all weird about it because it was (in my mind) sketchy. We nicknamed the alley "the alley of death" and the kids still tease me about it today. Mostly because I was nervous about a perfectly safe passageway in an affluent area that was well-lit and short. But, hey, in my defense, there could have been ax-carrying killers there, behind the Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I swear, my family are a bunch of assholes. Anyway, we use the "___of death" expression at my house a lot. I know you wanted to have this information.
But anyway. If there is still someone reading my rambling thoughts at this point... The majority of the book is about the journey that Sam, Gary, Ryan, and the giant take. They meet up with a bunch of hilarious side-characters including a dragon named Kevin. And, sassiness is on every page.
“I like your eyebrows,” I told him. “Way to buck societal norms of how eyebrows should normally look. Down with the system and all that.”
So.Much.Sass.
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So, to wrap this thing up, let me just say that if you are into sassy-gay-buddy-adventuring-fantasy-romance novels, this is the one for you. Oh, and there is some explicit gay sex involved, so either beware or be excited - it's up to you....more
For my last finished book of 2017, and my 300th book read this year, I wanted to finish with a bang. A masterpiece of literary goodness.
This b[image]
For my last finished book of 2017, and my 300th book read this year, I wanted to finish with a bang. A masterpiece of literary goodness.
This book is named "The Worst Fantasy Book of All Time" and rightly so. It is amazingly bad. So bad that as I read it aloud to my daughter this evening, I had to keep stopping to catch my breath and wipe the tears from my face from laughing so hard.
“Our job is to go meet strange new people and cultures, and kill the sons of bitches as quickly as we possibly can."
Well, that's a new concept. Th“Our job is to go meet strange new people and cultures, and kill the sons of bitches as quickly as we possibly can."
Well, that's a new concept. Thank goodness we've never done anything like that here on Earth. This is happening in space.
[image] Oh, there's a special day for that? Ooops. Better bring a pie over to the neighbors later. They live in a box on the corner now. I gave them some blankets that my kids used when they had chicken pox, so they are staying warm. I'll bring them some beer too. Alcohol will help them.
So, when I first read the blurb about this book it sounded kind of interesting, but not so compelling that I needed it now. Boy was I wrong! This book is awesome! It's even got stupid/weird names for everything and lots of alien battles in space and I still like it. It takes some fancy writing to make that happen. Or magic.
[image] Oh, that's right. Like most women, I hate magic. So, I guess it's fancy writing.
Our hero is John, who is one of those old guys that are always cracking jokes and trying to make you smile. In other words, one of the only kind of tolerable old people. The female equivalent bakes you chocolate chip cookies and calls you "dear". Do you hear that, racist grandma? You suck!
[image] I need directions to the nearest nursing home that has been featured on a news expose'
In this story, Earth has learned to travel in space and has been colonizing planets for years. Of course, there is the problem with tricky natives and other alien races that also want the planets. We've got the solution: kill everyone and take what we want. Okay it's not exactly perfect, but it's kinda our thing. Of course, since those pesky aliens fight back, we need a powerful army. Enter the old people!! They have nothing better to do!
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Let's face it, it's the perfect plan since most of them will die anyway. Plus, old people are great at learning new technology and love change. What could possibly go wrong?
[image] Okay, yeah, it might be a problem when they fly from planet to planet with the turn signal on, but hey, we can invent something that automatically turns it off, right? I mean, hell, we've mastered space travel at this point. I think a timer on the blinker would be cake.
Alright, it turns out a lot could go wrong, so they have to do a few "alterations" on our oldies to make them new and shiny again. It would be inconvenient to have to stop for hundreds of bathroom breaks on the way to the inter-galactic war. Plus, arthritis. And, eating dinner at 4 pm so they don't miss the Wheel before bed.....
[image] Not exactly, but close enough.
The best part of this book is the characters. John is compelling, complex, funny, and easy to relate to. All of the side characters also feel real and never fit into a simple side-kick box. I loved their banter, and how their age affected their attitudes. Maybe that seems strange, but you get a sense that they have histories, not just that they are characters who feel like they just came into existence for the book's sake. You know what I mean?
"the reasons the CDF selects old people to become soldiers—it’s not just because you’re all retired and a drag on the economy...You've lived long enough to know that there’s more to life than your own life....It’s hard to drill that concept into the brain of a nineteen-year-old. But you know from experience. In this universe, experience counts.”
[image] His resume is a bunch of pictures of "participation" trophies.
You've gotta read this book. Listen to an old lady's advice and maybe I'll bake you some cookies some day. Or, if you prefer, I'll knit you a nice hat. You must keep warm, dear....more
I admit that I have about 10 books going right now. Hurricane Harvey has thrown me off my groove. I have attempted to start books and then set them doI admit that I have about 10 books going right now. Hurricane Harvey has thrown me off my groove. I have attempted to start books and then set them down to deal with shitty reality for a while, and then not gotten back to them. But, I picked this one up and devoured it. It was so compelling to me.
Of course, I love dystopia. I want the future to be seriously fucked-up. I want people to be eating weird pellets that are probably made out of people, an evil overlord with some sort of hatred of children for some reason, flying cars and everything robotic - but evil robots - not good ones, an unfair class system that holds the plebs down, a scrappy resistance with a sexy (although dirty) leader, lots of senseless killing and violence, and of course - death games. This book was about the death games.
[image] Okay, maybe some of those ideas aren't exactly fresh.
So, this is set in the 1970's maybe, but an alternate reality, I guess, because I don't remember there being a gameshow/competition where 100 teenage boys walked day and night until only one was left alive. I may have just been born, but I'm pretty sure I would have heard about it.
The deal is that they have to keep a continuous pace of 4mph. If they slow down or stop, they are given three warnings. If they still can't keep up, they are shot in the head. Now, I just want to say that someone would absolutely have to threaten to shoot me in the head before you get my ass out there doing a fast-walk for miles and miles. Ah, who am I kidding, I would be the first one shot. And, I wouldn't even mind. Beats walking like a chump.
So, all of these boys, who are definitely chumps, are walking day and night and getting all weird. Of course it messes with their minds a bit. They make little friendships, examine their life choices, and prepare to die. Seriously, how bad are your life choices when you sign up for this deal?? It's not like the Hunger Games where they have no choice. These chumps not only signed up for this shit, but they had to pass mental and physical tests to do it. Youth these days. So stupid. I mean those days. So stupid. One chump even tells his story about how he entered on a dare/whim/lark and it went too far. Dude!!!
[image] Peer pressure. Not even once.
The rest of them are suicidal for some reason. Oh, maybe it's because they are teenagers living in an oppressive dystopian world. I mean, depressing teenagers is pretty damn easy on a good day.
[image] Holy shit! Where can I purchase this horse? He's glorious!
The book is not filled with action and adventure, although there is killing. It is more of the inner struggle of the characters. I could talk about how it's possible to see some symbolism in the walk as being a journey in life with the general being an all-powerful being who is promising the person who makes it to the end the prize of anything their heart desires. It is also the ultimate in the carrot and stick analogy , but I'm not that deep. I just liked that a bunch of stupid chumps learned that you should never sign up for anything that has the promise of untold riches. It's always a sucker deal. Unlike what I've got going on. There is a Nigerian prince who wants me to distribute millions of dollars in any way I want, including keeping it for myself. All I need to do is send him my banking information and those millions are on their way.
Oh, and forget the horse. I want one of these guys. Look at those smiles! Only good things can come from me owning an alpaca in my suburban home. They swim, right?
Sometimes an unreliable narrator is annoying because you don't know what the hell is really going on. And, sometimes, like in this case, an unreliableSometimes an unreliable narrator is annoying because you don't know what the hell is really going on. And, sometimes, like in this case, an unreliable narrator is the best thing ever because I spend all of my time reading with little theories bouncing around in my head about what's really going on.
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I read this book because my son had read it and talked to me about it. Then, I read it and was freaked out as all hell that my son had read it. Who the hell put it into his head to read this disturbing stuff?
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Well, Mister, you are officially on my list now!
Okay, so if you are thinking you might want to read a good serial killer book, this isn't the one for you. It is supposedly about a serial killer - getting into his head, but it is a lot more of a commentary on the yuppie movement of the 1980's. Everyone is completely obsessed with appearance, brand names, money, and popularity. They are all on this endless treadmill of trying to out-do each other and living in a bubble of narcissism. Our hero, Patrick, is in the middle of it all, but hates it as strongly as he conforms to it.
[image] Are those Ray-ban Wayfarers?
He idolizes famous serial killers and often quotes them in his conversations - like as if they are wise men who have all the answers. Yeah, dude needs some better idols. Even the Biebs would be better. Okay, a little bit better. Maybe.
[image] No. No I don't. And if I ever catch this illness, you have my permission, World, to kill me. I won't even be mad about it.
So, as Patrick goes about his ridiculous life, he is unraveling. He fantasizes about brutally killing people. And, animals. We don't actually know if he did these things or not. He says he did, but the evidence from his surroundings indicate (to me) that he didn't. Like, when he supposedly killed someone in a brutally bloody way and then walks into McDonald's and has a vanilla milkshake and nobody gave him a second look. Hello? Blood? Splatters? yeah, I don't think so.
[image] What the HELL is this? I feel like I need some context here.
I watched the movie after reading the book and I felt like Christian Bale did an amazing job, and it was funny, but I also missed the way the book made me wonder what was actually happening. The movie played it straight, as if he did all of those things. The book was more ambiguous. Or, maybe it was just me. Maybe I'm the unreliable narrator.
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Either way... I enjoyed the book. It made me think - and that's a feat....more
E.T.A.: So, I watched the movie today online. (It's everywhere). If you saw the movie, you still don't know the book. Totally different! The movie is E.T.A.: So, I watched the movie today online. (It's everywhere). If you saw the movie, you still don't know the book. Totally different! The movie is even more like the Hunger Games, but it doesn't scratch the surface of the book. It also is not true to the book at all. Even character names were changed. Read the book instead! ;-) **************************************** (Back to your previously scheduled book review):
Holy Massacre, Batman!
If you feel like the Hunger Games was way too sweet, touchy feely, and gentle - this might be more your style.
If you wanted more kids in the arena, more sick & twisted mind games, waaaaay more blood guts & gore - look no further.
If you wondered what it would be like if all 42 kids grew up together, knew each other, and trusted each other before the Hunger Games - your answer lies within this book.
If you wished that you had the POV's of Cato, Clove, Rue, Foxface, along with their backstories and their brutally detailed deaths - gotcha covered.
If you thought of how much different things would have been if they'd been given guns and there were no game-maker toys to kill them, only each other - it's all here, baby!
So, the first bit is a little hard to get through because it can be a bit confusing with so many characters. Especially since they have tough names that includes their last names. I mean, for me they were tough. There were no Joe's or Sue's. And, there are 42 of these suckers - ouch! That is a lot of names to keep straight. But, the good news is that once the 'game' gets underway, it really starts to flow. And, it is epic. So unbelievably brutal and disturbing. But, also so many times when it's poignant. I'm just amazed at how deep this book was able to go into the character's minds when there was so much action and so many people. It really is an amazing piece of work.
Also, Suzanne Collins totally plagiarized! There were parts of the story that were absolutely exactly from this book. For instance, there were announcements in the morning and evening of who was killed, they were constantly narrowing down the playing field to herd the kids closer together, and there was a part where they instructed one boy to set two fires with young wood so that it would smoke as a signal and then they would use a bird call to find each other. Copy much?
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I read this book, not only because I wanted to and it was epic, but also as part of my 2016 Reading Challenge with the MacHalo chicks: Read a book that was made into a movie.
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