Who was high at the publishing company when they made the brilliant decision to print this crap? Or, maybe someone decided to grant the dying wish of tWho was high at the publishing company when they made the brilliant decision to print this crap? Or, maybe someone decided to grant the dying wish of their grandpa who wrote this shit while sitting on the toilet in their nursing home?
I mean, do you ever just have to wonder: "how in the fuck did something like this happen?"
[image] No. Don't do that.
That's what this book is. A mystery. The mystery of why? Why does this exist?
Okay, so this book is about a bunch of elves, specifically the prince of the elves, and apparently they are the ancestoBeware of free books on Amazon.
Okay, so this book is about a bunch of elves, specifically the prince of the elves, and apparently they are the ancestors of vampires who were elves that turned evil. They drink blood, but they also eat fruits and vegetables. I've got to wonder here: have they tried meat? Maybe they don't necessarily need blood, but just crave protein. How do you go from needing a little protein to thinking that the only way to get it is by drinking blood? I'm guessing these guys could just eat a steak and be fine. Of course, I'm from Texas. Our motto is: eat meat. Yeah, we are a simple-fix kinda people. Feeling peckish? Eat some barbecue and you will perk right up. You want some fat with your protein? We can chicken-fry your steak. Problem solved!
[image] Food pyramid or circles of Heaven? Turns out it's both.
Plus, these guys are elves, right? So what, are they biting ankles? Do we need to go around wearing shin guards? Watch out, ladies. Those sexy little elves are going to be all over your pedicure! [image] Those little suckers are mean. They really need a burger.
So our human heroine is a doctor/scientist who is drooling over some hot immortal guy who is unconscious on her lab slab. You know, like doctors do. I can't even tell you how many times my gynecologist told me that I'm hot. Of course, that could have been the gonorrhea, but that's a different story for a different day. Oh Vegas. You give so much and ask for so little. Well, except for all of our money.
Anywhooo, the unconscious dude wakes up and bites her which binds her to him for all of eternity. *sigh*
Even all of that would have been fine if the story moved along at a normal pace. But it didn't. It was so excruciatingly slow that I needed a steak just to stop myself from killing everyone in the room by draining their blood.
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So, maybe that's what happened with these "evil" elves. They were forced to read books like this and said, "fuck this shit. I'm going on a killing spree." That feels like the true story behind the vampire lore here.
I really did read a lot longer than most people who reviewed this book. I gave it a chance. But, I'm too old for this shit. I'll be dead before the story is over, and I'd probably be happy to die just for it to end. Plus:
Usually when I shelve a book on my "Too Stupid to Live" shelf, it is because of the stupidity of the characters in the book. But, in this case, I am aUsually when I shelve a book on my "Too Stupid to Live" shelf, it is because of the stupidity of the characters in the book. But, in this case, I am adding myself to the mix for reading it. I think I lost brain cells while reading this crappy book.
[image] I tried to take this test to find out, but it didn't seem to work. They didn't even ask me any questions. Weird.
The only good thing about reading this was reading it with the crazy ladies at the MacHalo group. Misery loves company and all that.
So, you might like this book... if you are a rapist. Our hero is a rapist, and so are all of the male characters. It's their thing. Every group has a thing.
But, raping isn't all that's happening here (just the main thing). There is also terrible and stupid dialogue, ridiculously idiotic situations, and an asinine plot. (Notice how I found so many words to say "crappy"? Thank you, Thesaurus!)
[image] How .. .um what's the word?... sad-making.
[image] Oh yeah. Terrible. That's the word I was looking for.
Anywhoooo, here's a quote from the craptastically crappy crap-fest:
How could his hands, stained with the blood of innocent souls, make her flesh tingle and burn?
Depends. Was the tingling and burning stronger upon urination? It could be the gonorrhea. He's done a lot of raping.
So, if you like rapists, and stupid people, you will like this book.
Before reading. You all might notice that my TBR list is always tiny. I get too much anxiety when it's huge, so I'm very picStages of me reading this:
Before reading. You all might notice that my TBR list is always tiny. I get too much anxiety when it's huge, so I'm very picky over putting anything on it. But, when I saw a funky sci-fi that is set in the future:
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First few pages Hum, the author is breaking the fourth wall by talking to us as readers. That's a little annoying, but I can handle it. Oh, I also notice that there will be words like "thee" and "thou" in a book set way in the future.
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First chapter What the hell is going on? Nothing makes sense. And, the endless descriptions of everything isn't helping to clarify anything.
(she) donned her boots too, tall, taut Humanist boots patterned with a flowing brush-pen landscape, the kind with winding banks and misty mountains that the eye gets lost in.
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Next chapters until I DNFed This is sheer torture. If we force the terrorists to read this, we will win. We never need to waterboard anyone ever again. Just force them to read this out loud. I think Satan wrote this book. With the tears of boredom that people shed while being tortured in hell while he was writing it - out loud. They begged to get thrown back into the flames.
In other words - Book, here is what I think about you:
The brookie high could only help so much. This book was so f-ing stupid that I should be ashamed of myself for reading it. And, I am. Maybe a brookie The brookie high could only help so much. This book was so f-ing stupid that I should be ashamed of myself for reading it. And, I am. Maybe a brookie would help....
[image] (I admit that he is eating healthy and that's not a brookie in his hand, but how cute is this panda? Panda's are the brookies of bears.)
Anyway, the book sounds fun. A girl who gets her own reverse-harem, and there's a mystery. Here's the thing, though, it wasn't fun. Not at all. If you look up "fun" in the dictionary, this book isn't even listed. It's more about Stockholm Syndrome and abusing some chick who is so stupid that she decides that her kidnappers are the good guys and has sexy feelings towards them. Seriously? I kept thinking that these asshole kidnappers should just go ahead and shoot her ass. But, she'd probably like that and then blame herself for causing them to shoot her. It was some sick and stupid shit.
[image] Aww, they are so cute together!
Don't let the "free" price fool you on your Kindle. You will pay a price. The price of shame and regret....more
Here's the set-up and you tell me what era you think this book takes place in:
Idiot girl who is taken in by her uncle in Romania. He's a Chester-the-MHere's the set-up and you tell me what era you think this book takes place in:
Idiot girl who is taken in by her uncle in Romania. He's a Chester-the-Molester and her poor cousin runs off with a village boy to escape her abusive father. Our idiot/heroine knows that old Chester is coming for her. He even tells her straight out that he is going to force her to marry him. So, she runs through the forest to a castle that is supposedly haunted and there meets a vampire. She's asleep on his couch and he picks her up, undresses her, and puts her in his bed. Huh, this sounds familiar...
[image] Ah, I knew I had seen that somewhere...
She immediately trusts him, even though he undressed her in her sleep, and is easily bought off with pretty dresses and the bread and cheese he leaves for her to eat each morning. She boils water over a fire to pour in a large tub to bathe at night. There is a fire to keep her warm, and candlelight to see. They instantly fall in love and he offers to marry her in order to protect her from her uncle. If he won't marry her, the uncle can still force her to go back and marry him. She's 20 years old and a virgin.
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Any ideas yet? Are we talking ye' old England in the Jane Austen days?
Here's another hint: when she runs away, she only has apples and a donut to bring with her for food. Luckily, the castle has an old, overgrown garden so she can grow vegetables to eat
[image] Believe me, this book is shoveling enough shit to grow those mushrooms.
Oh, what? ....Yes, I did say a donut.
Hmmm, did they have those in the old days? How long ago were donuts invented? (I think we should mark that day as a national holiday.)
Last clue: She wants to go into the village to get some supplies for her new home. She takes her new husband's Porsche to get there.
That's right, you got it now. This idiotic work of craption is set in modern times. And, as a modern woman, I say: Go home book, you're drunk.
This was supposed to be the book where the bitchy sister is redeemed and we end up liking her and wanting her to have a happily ever after. And, althoThis was supposed to be the book where the bitchy sister is redeemed and we end up liking her and wanting her to have a happily ever after. And, although I was okay with her ending up okay, I just hated this book so much that I didn't really care. It was stupid. And, I mean, seriously stupid.
[image] Expert level achieved..
So, Imogen, her royal bitchiness, decides to become a slut and wants to have sex with her guardian's brother. Half-brother. But, her guardian wants in on all of that, so he goes along with this 'affair' pretending to be the brother. Did I mention he's only a half-brother, not a twin? Yup. He wears a fake mustache and hat, so she can't possibly know that it's him.
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And, she has been living with her guardian off & on for over a year. She has even helped bathe him when he was sick. So, either she is the most unobservant person on Earth who can't tell the difference between two different people's voices, or she is stupid. I vote for stupid.
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And, the guardian is a real piece of work himself. First of all, if she is fooled by the disguise, he should not have sex with the mentally handicapped. Secondly, if she is fooled by the disguise, he should not have sex with someone while pretending to be his brother. But he does. Twice. And, again, how does he get away with this disguise while naked and sweating over her?
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While this idiocy is going on, we also have the pleasure of them putting on a play. And, going to plays. I guess the author needed to fill some pages because we get to read pages and pages of these plays being rehearsed, performed, copied down into scripts, etc... In other words, when it wasn't stupid, it was boring.
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Yup, I would recommend suicide before I would recommend this book....more
You know when someone is trying to tell you a story and then they get so fixated on details that don't matter that you forget what the point was? And,You know when someone is trying to tell you a story and then they get so fixated on details that don't matter that you forget what the point was? And, you no longer care. You just want out of the conversation so badly that you are willing to set yourself on fire to get away from them.
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This book is that person telling the story.
I just want to know where the hell is the editing team? How could they allow such a messy clusterfuck go to print?
It's not just the usual B.S. of having Anita describe what every single character looks like in excruciating detail every single time they are mentioned. And, it's not even the fact that there are conversations about absolutely nothing, and have nothing to do with the overall story, that last for up to 40 freaking pages. It's not even the ridiculously endless descriptions of every place, every body movement, every side-eye, every speculation on motivation ever on the face of the earth. Or, the complete girl-hate that shines through so strongly (either a female is a lover/admirer of Anita or she is evil) (the expression "girl trap" is endlessly used to describe the manipulations of us evil females).
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It's the complete mess of the whole. The stuff I mentioned above takes precedence over the actual story to a point where the story is completely lost and a huge disaster. The problems/crimes become secondary to the bullshit, and when they are "solved", it hardly makes sense. Most of the questions are never answered. Most of the solutions are ridiculously half-assed, out-of-nowhere, "that makes no sense", kind of stuff. As a paranormal mystery, it totally fails.
But, I guess the thing is that if someone had taken a red pen to this book before printing, it would have either had to be a very bad short-story about a bad group of vampires getting caught. Or, it would have been a very bad short-story about polygamous relationship therapy. Put together, we got a very bad, very long, mismash of both.
Day 1: See hot guy on beach. He looks at you. Day 2: Talk to hot guy for 20 minutes. Day 3: Proclaim your undying love for guy and offer up your virginiDay 1: See hot guy on beach. He looks at you. Day 2: Talk to hot guy for 20 minutes. Day 3: Proclaim your undying love for guy and offer up your virginity.
Yes, girls, it's that easy to find the man of your dreams, and it only takes that long for said man to fall madly in love with you for the rest of your life.
Sure, you don't know everything about each other. Like last names, where they live, who their friends and families are, how they spend their free time, or the fact that one of them is an undead creature of the night. Details. That's all those things are. Details.
The important thing is that you find each other hot. Because there is never an instance where you could actually get to know some hot person's personality and find it lacking. Never!! Attractive people are always attractive on the inside. You can take that to the bank! And, go ahead and pledge your eternal life to the hunky guy on the beach after a few days. It's going to work out great!!
Do I hate other things about this book? Sure. Lots. One big pet peeve I have is the fact that every character in this series seems to be a racial stereotype. The French guy talks like Pepe LePew, the Italian guy talks like Mario, the black guy talks like the hood and "looks just like Denzel" (I'm guessing this is the only attractive black man the author could think of), the Russian guys have broken accents that make you think of evil movie villains, and the Scottish guys talk like Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons.
[image] Ladies, I hear he's available...*wink wink*
But, don't worry, there are plenty of other things to hate as well. In this book, there was an opportunity for a pretty cool storyline with the sicko serial killer who was obsessed with the heroine, but it took a backseat. A backseat in a very long bus full of insta-love, sterotypes, TSTL characters, and angst. Oh well. Considering what I've seen so far, the author could never have pulled it off anyway.
So, here's a novel idea. I'm actually going to quit reading this series. I know, right? I have a stack of these suckers from the library. But, I think it would be best for my blood pressure and my eyeballs. If I keep rolling those suckers this much, they are bound to fall out.
When this series started, we had Anita as a sanctimonious, bitchy, fanny-pack wearing "badass" who was obsessed with guns, hated vampires, and only beWhen this series started, we had Anita as a sanctimonious, bitchy, fanny-pack wearing "badass" who was obsessed with guns, hated vampires, and only believed in committed, monogamous sex. Twenty four books later, Anita is a sanctimonious, bitchy, dress-wearing "badass" who is obsessed with guns, is marrying a vampire, and believes in polyamory so much that she puts the "poly" in polyamory. So, a few changes.
The problem with the polyamory in this book is that she has so many lovers now that just listing their names takes up too many pages. It's like the book of Numbers in the bible where there is just lists of who begat who. Just substitute the word "begat" with "humped".and so Nathaniel humped Michah..and Michal humped Jean-Claude...and Jean-Claude humped Asher...and Asher humped Dev...and Dev humped Anita who humped Nathaniel, and Micha, and Jean-Claude, and Asher, and some underaged kid, and a couple of women, along with a pack of were-animals or two, and more vampires....
[image] you have to be REALLY old to get this reference. Sorry, kids!
The other thing that is a problem in this book, and would be a major problem if you had a coffee date with Anita, is that it takes FOREVER for her to do anything. She is walking down a hallway to go to work, but then she has a 20-minute confrontation with a sassy guard, and then she has to shower off all the blood, and then she gets in her daily shower fight, and then she stops to have sex with someone on the floor, and then needs another shower, and then has a relationship crisis with one of her lovers, and then she takes another 40 minutes admiring her sweet sweet guns as she straps them onto every part of her body, and don't forget the picking out of the wardrobe - that takes time. Oh shit, the day is now over. Who will she sleep with tonight? Let the negotiations begin!
Yeah, so the actual "mystery" of the book gets completely lost in all of this monotony. She gets a creepy-ass weird case to solve in the first few pages, for the next 400 pages she goes through all the BS of above, then there are a couple pages at the end where the case is all wrapped-up.
This book was in desperate need of someone with a giant red Sharpie. But, just like Anita's love-life, it seems that the author has not heard the philosophy of "less is more" or the word "succinct". And, because of it, much like Anita's love-life, this book is a clusterfuck....more
I think I have discovered the absolute worst book ever written! It was only 84 pages and yet I couldn't get through it. Really, it deserves some sort I think I have discovered the absolute worst book ever written! It was only 84 pages and yet I couldn't get through it. Really, it deserves some sort of special award for being so bad.
Let me enlighten you on how horrifyingly bad a book about an alien war coming to Earth can be:
Our heroine is a 40 year old slutty woman who sexually molests an unconscious alien male while searching for her fiance - who may be dead - AND inside of a helicopter that crashed during a hurricane with two dead pilots in the front seat.
Said slutty woman is very very slutty. She is described in excruciating detail about how "hot" she is, and she has sex with the hotel concierge and then tells him to go home to his girlfriend and bang her.
Sluttty woman is a professor and scientist who likes to keep at least three young males on her staff "for their looks" so she could seduce them.
We are given waaaay too much information about their sexual encounter, using lovely words like: mountainous orbs of tit flesh, meat monster, and sex button. *gags a little*
Speaking of waaaay too much information. Between the crazy sex and the OTT descriptions of Dr. Slutty's underpants, we get tedious and boring descriptions of things such as her team ordering dinner and eating it. Seriously, we get the entire play-by-play of them being seated, getting menus, ordering, eating, and the waitstaff's interaction with them. Thank you for teaching us about how restaurant dining works Dr. Slutty! We were all raised in an igloo with none of those fancy food-serving thingamabobs around.
We also get endless descriptions of government jobs & departments, chain of commands, and what each building looks like in detail. It's shoot-yourself-in-the-head, mind-numbingly boring and tedious.
But, hey what did I expect from a book that is all about two warring alien races living on Earth? Entertainment? That's just crazy talk!...more
I tried to read this. I really did. But, the main asshole character was such a horrible person that he gave a whole new meaning to the DN-fucking-F!!!
I tried to read this. I really did. But, the main asshole character was such a horrible person that he gave a whole new meaning to the words: Douchebag Fuckboy.
I'm not even going to rate this book. I hated it so much, but the writing is amazing. It takes a truly gifted writer to take you inside the mind of soI'm not even going to rate this book. I hated it so much, but the writing is amazing. It takes a truly gifted writer to take you inside the mind of someone this twisted and vile. I would swear that Nabokov himself must have been a pedophile to be able to write such a convincing diary of the mind of one. It truly read like a first-hand account. It's disturbing. So disturbing that I had a bit of a hard time sleeping last night. And, that is a sign of an amazing author. That is why it is considered a classic. And, that is also why it was banned. It's too convincing.
If you don't have to read it, I would never recommend this book to anyone for leisure reading. I would only recommend it to someone interested in becoming a writer, or someone studying literature.
For the rest of us - those who read for pleasure - stay the hell away. Run away, far away!
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* I read this book as part of my 2016 Mac Halo Group book challenge: "read a banned book".
How shocking that a book called Mermen was a total piece of crap!
Oh, but not for the reasons you migMermen. What I expected:
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What I got:
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How shocking that a book called Mermen was a total piece of crap!
Oh, but not for the reasons you might think. I'm totally on board with a book about sexy mermen living on a mysterious island holding gladiator fights to the death to get the honor of winning a woman. All that testosterone... Plus, you know, I really like the beach.
But, nooooooo, this book had to make the mermen unsexy assholes who beat up women. They didn't even have tails or gills. Plus, the worst of all offenses, it read like an After School Special about not polluting the ocean.
I'm sorry, but if you call a book Mermen, and you have the dude with the abs on the cover, you can't write some environmentalist propaganda book about the source of all life and protecting the planet. It just doesn't fit. Save the environmental lessons for Captain Planet. Let the mermen swim free in the smarmy waters of ridiculous and sexy romance!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to read the moctopus book: [image]...more
I had to give a 1-star because I literally hated this book. But, I also have to say that I'm not being fair by giving it a 1-star because it wa[image]
I had to give a 1-star because I literally hated this book. But, I also have to say that I'm not being fair by giving it a 1-star because it was well written and would probably be a favorite among people who like this type of story and don't mind lengthy descriptions of every. f-ing. thing.
[image] omg!!! The room was fucking beige! That's all I need to know!!!
So, as I mentioned, this book was a buddy-read with the awesome peeps at the BBB group. They made it almost bearable because many of them felt the same way as me about the book, and suffering with another person makes it better somehow.
The story is about a guy named Locke who is a thief. He has absolutely no conscience, although you think he might at one point. He steals from the rich, but doesn't give to the poor. He murders, he tortures, he punches old ladies in the face. (You think I'm kidding on the last one? I'm not.) But, we are supposed to like him, I guess, and root for him when he gets screwed over by another thief. That's a little tough for me because I believe in the old sayings: "live by the sword, die by the sword", and my favorite: "Lie down with dogs and you're gonna get fleas."
[image] aww, who's got cute little fleas? you do!
So, I wasn't a huge fan of the main characters.
And, I wasn't a fan of the pages and pages of descriptions that made me want to get a gun and shoot myself in the head.
Then, there was a bunch of time-jumps. I am not talking about alternating past/present chapters, although that was part of it; but also time-jumps within the time-jumps. It was the "Inception" of time-jumping. We got to read about something that happened, then we backpedaled to an hour earlier to read about how and why it happened. Then, we were 10 years in the past. Now, we are learning something about some other people in another time period - called an interlude (should be called infodumplude) - between many of the chapters. Just settle the fuck down, people! Start your story from the beginning, and tell it to me in a cohesive manner. Sheesh!
Finally, I thought there may be a saving romance angle when it was mentioned that Locke had a lost love. How cool, I thought! She might show up at some point and save the day (also dressed-up and part of a con). But, no, don't get your hopes up. This girl never shows up. She, I guess, is a teaser to make us read the next book in hopes of meeting her. Frankly, I don't want to meet her that badly. I'll pass.
[image] I have a colonoscopy scheduled that day......more
Hey, I made it through over 100 pages. But, that was all the self-imposed torture I had in me.
Seriously, why? Why the hell did this book ever get writHey, I made it through over 100 pages. But, that was all the self-imposed torture I had in me.
Seriously, why? Why the hell did this book ever get written, published, or even thought of in the first place?
[image] Oh yeah, that's why...
Stephanie Meyer mentions in the beginning of the book that she did this for a fun project and only expected to write a couple of chapters. But, then it was so much fun, and so easy, that she decided to write the whole book. Lucky lucky us!
In other words, she took her Twilight copy and did a "replace word" command with the characters' names and sexes, and called it a new book. And then: [image] I mean, come on, the poor woman probably worked a half day on this. She deserves millions of dollars.
So, what exactly is wrong with the book? I can honestly say that if you love Twilight and have read it so many times that you can quote it, you might actually enjoy this as a little change of pace. But, if you are looking for something fresh from the Twilight world- uh, no... keep looking. And, if you were at all annoyed with Bella's lack of enthusiasm, personality, ability to not fall down or walk into things, or complete obsession with Edward; you aren't going to find what you need here.
[image] Beau has the personality of a meat smoker. Really, you are better off if you "move along."...more
Oh hell to the no!! Goodbye annoying book. Next stop - my DNF pile!
I can't continue reading this crap-fest about a total idiot girl who loves to danceOh hell to the no!! Goodbye annoying book. Next stop - my DNF pile!
I can't continue reading this crap-fest about a total idiot girl who loves to dance and manages to tell us about dancing every other sentence. I would rather run naked through the Walmart hunting aisle wearing a deer mask than read one more page about dancing.
Why did I want to read this? It is soooooo stupid!
Think Vampire Academy bad knock-off. Rose Phoenix is at an exclusive school for the super elite. SheWhy did I want to read this? It is soooooo stupid!
Think Vampire Academy bad knock-off. Rose Phoenix is at an exclusive school for the super elite. She is also immature, reckless, a poor decision-maker, overly emotional, and every kind of ridiculous.
The school has a strict curfew rule. If you are on campus after curfew, you are expelled. No exceptions. (except when there is an exception)
Phoenix falls asleep in the library and breaks the rule. As she runs to leave campus, she finds out there are students at night. Scary, beautiful, flesh-eating students. And, of course they are dressed in Victorian-style clothing because... well, I'm not exactly sure why... Huh.
The most beautiful male of them all saves her life and gets her back to the dorms safely. His name is Dimitri. Yes, Dimitri.
Instead of being happy that she wasn't caught breaking curfew and escaping expulsion, she decides she needs to learn more about these night students and breaks curfew again the following night. It really is a good thing that the librarian has never thought of, I don't know, checking to make sure the library is empty of students since this curfew thing is such a big deal. You know, with the flesh-eating monsters showing up each evening. Ah well, the "honor system" always works out fine for teens and they never do things they aren't supposed to do.
On her second night, Phoenix is once again almost killed because a beautiful girl finds out she was saved by Dimitri the night before, so of course this girl wants to kill her for catching Dimitri's eye. Zombie-bitch be jelly.
Of course, she gets turned into one of them and is immediately transformed into a beautiful girl. A beautiful girl who now gets to dress in Victorian clothes and be kissed by Dimitri. Now they are in love. But wait, another beautiful guy also wants her. She's the belle of the Zombie Ball!
Just freaking shoot my eyes out instead of making me read this crap....more
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