ETA: I really bounced around the idea of how to rate this book because the ending really messed up a good thing, but I decided to forgive it and rate ETA: I really bounced around the idea of how to rate this book because the ending really messed up a good thing, but I decided to forgive it and rate it high. However, after discussion with my friend, Emer, I realized that I shouldn't have been so forgiving because the messed-up part of things is really personal to many people. So, I've decided to change my rating out of respect for those women. You can read Emer's review here .
Original review:
First, I'm going to give you the warnings that I wish someone had given me, even though I should have read more reviews before reading. But, I'm lazy. Anyway, there is angst galore, the major problem in the book could have been cured by a conversation, and then something really bad happens. Nuff said.
The heroine is a girl that I could see really liking. She is snarky and fun, plus she has a mini dog named Stuntman Mike. So, I would even just like her for the dog.
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The set-up is that a girl and guy are falling for each other, but she has issues so she continually rejects him over and over again for the entire book. There is so much angst that you might want to consider taking a valium just to not get too wrapped up in their shit. And, then comes the crying. For you. Yes, she cries a lot too, especially for someone who never says she cries. Also, she plays head games with the guy a lot after she said she doesn't do that.... Hmmm, so she's kind of a liar. But, the point is, this is one of those books that will make you cry. No, not me. I'm dead inside. But you. You might cry. I was just sad for a bit - which is as close as I get. Luckily, I have a cure for sadness. It's called alcohol. You should try that sometime. It works!
That sounds bad, right? But, I still enjoyed the book overall because there were a lot of funny moments and I liked all of the characters. The writing was good, and the dialogue was good too. See? Good.
[image] Yeah, you guys don't have to deal with that kind of stuff with me. Everything is good.
Merged review:
ETA: I really bounced around the idea of how to rate this book because the ending really messed up a good thing, but I decided to forgive it and rate it high. However, after discussion with my friend, Emer, I realized that I shouldn't have been so forgiving because the messed-up part of things is really personal to many people. So, I've decided to change my rating out of respect for those women. You can read Emer's review here .
Original review:
First, I'm going to give you the warnings that I wish someone had given me, even though I should have read more reviews before reading. But, I'm lazy. Anyway, there is angst galore, the major problem in the book could have been cured by a conversation, and then something really bad happens. Nuff said.
The heroine is a girl that I could see really liking. She is snarky and fun, plus she has a mini dog named Stuntman Mike. So, I would even just like her for the dog.
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The set-up is that a girl and guy are falling for each other, but she has issues so she continually rejects him over and over again for the entire book. There is so much angst that you might want to consider taking a valium just to not get too wrapped up in their shit. And, then comes the crying. For you. Yes, she cries a lot too, especially for someone who never says she cries. Also, she plays head games with the guy a lot after she said she doesn't do that.... Hmmm, so she's kind of a liar. But, the point is, this is one of those books that will make you cry. No, not me. I'm dead inside. But you. You might cry. I was just sad for a bit - which is as close as I get. Luckily, I have a cure for sadness. It's called alcohol. You should try that sometime. It works!
That sounds bad, right? But, I still enjoyed the book overall because there were a lot of funny moments and I liked all of the characters. The writing was good, and the dialogue was good too. See? Good.
[image] Yeah, you guys don't have to deal with that kind of stuff with me. Everything is good....more
First, let me take this moment to congratulate myself on reading a BOOK THREE in a series where I haven't read the first two yet. This is the first tiFirst, let me take this moment to congratulate myself on reading a BOOK THREE in a series where I haven't read the first two yet. This is the first time I've ever done that. I'm so ocd about those kind of things that I will occasionally read an entire series if the book I want to read is in a spin-off series. I've read over 20 books just to get to a book I wanted to read before. So, this is progress. I'm a little less crazy today, folks. Just a little.
[image] See, it's mystique. Stop trying to give me pills to kill my mystique!
Here's what I discovered during this not-crazyathon: it didn't matter. I read this book without any feeling of not having all of the information needed. So, now I am in an existential crisis. Did all of those shitty books I read just to get to the book I wanted to read mean nothing? Could I have been doing this all along? Cheating works? It's like my whole life is a lie.
[image] See? I didn't even know this. I wonder what else I don't know.
Alright, I know, you aren't here to read about my not-craziness. You want to know why I gave a book with THAT cover a 5-star review. I mean, that cover? Come on! My dog could have drawn a better cover. Oh, or that painting elephant? I love that guy!
[image] What the hell? Another elephant picture? You're so obsessed with yourself!
Selfie-elephant should get hired by Ilona Andrews too. Oh, and the people who made this book cover:
[image] Jesus? Are you back? Why did you come back as a bigfoot? And, who's that girl?
Oh yeah, the book. I got distracted for a minute by the beauty of that last picture. So many questions.....
Our book starts with the caught-the-boyfriend-schtupping-the-intern scene, so our heroine, Avalon, takes off into the wilds of middle-California where the west is still wild, but you can still get a good gluten-free, vegan soy latte. She's not an animal. While she is sleeping in her old twin bed at the parent's house, she finds out that there is a big old house for sale, and it just so happens to be the former home of her teenage crush. It's a good thing her ex decided to do the intern yesterday because a day or two later and she wouldn't have had the chance to make a stupid decision and buy the house of her old boyfriend. I guess it could have been worse.
She could have decided to read this instead: [image] *shudder* Wait, is the word sexual really on the cover of that book? *shudder harder*
Oh, and the coincidences! They keep coming! It just so happens that her teenage loverboy is ALSO back home and wants to buy the house! What were the odds? She wins the auction. Because, you know, girls are better than boys. But, don't be dismayed, he lives on the same spot of land. So, you know, they can cute-fight over the property. He and Avalon get into an epic show-down of pranks, and that is part of what makes this book totally worth it. It was hilarious! And, then they were hilarious together. Hilarity ensued.
There were nudists, manure, and the worst song ever known to the 1980's. I couldn't help but admire the ways they made each other suffer.
Of course they start hooking up! You knew it was coming the whole time. And, they were even funny then.
“We are really good at it,” she allowed...
“Yeah. I liked the way we kept affirming each other. ‘Yes, oh yes!’” he mimicked.
She gave a quick shout of laughter.
I loved this couple. The story was cheesy, but I didn't care at all. The writing was great. The dialogue was absolutely awesome, and the HEA made me happy. Call me crazy, but this was one helluva fun book.
[image] Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Thanks.
Merged review:
First, let me take this moment to congratulate myself on reading a BOOK THREE in a series where I haven't read the first two yet. This is the first time I've ever done that. I'm so ocd about those kind of things that I will occasionally read an entire series if the book I want to read is in a spin-off series. I've read over 20 books just to get to a book I wanted to read before. So, this is progress. I'm a little less crazy today, folks. Just a little.
[image] See, it's mystique. Stop trying to give me pills to kill my mystique!
Here's what I discovered during this not-crazyathon: it didn't matter. I read this book without any feeling of not having all of the information needed. So, now I am in an existential crisis. Did all of those shitty books I read just to get to the book I wanted to read mean nothing? Could I have been doing this all along? Cheating works? It's like my whole life is a lie.
[image] See? I didn't even know this. I wonder what else I don't know.
Alright, I know, you aren't here to read about my not-craziness. You want to know why I gave a book with THAT cover a 5-star review. I mean, that cover? Come on! My dog could have drawn a better cover. Oh, or that painting elephant? I love that guy!
[image] What the hell? Another elephant picture? You're so obsessed with yourself!
Selfie-elephant should get hired by Ilona Andrews too. Oh, and the people who made this book cover:
[image] Jesus? Are you back? Why did you come back as a bigfoot? And, who's that girl?
Oh yeah, the book. I got distracted for a minute by the beauty of that last picture. So many questions.....
Our book starts with the caught-the-boyfriend-schtupping-the-intern scene, so our heroine, Avalon, takes off into the wilds of middle-California where the west is still wild, but you can still get a good gluten-free, vegan soy latte. She's not an animal. While she is sleeping in her old twin bed at the parent's house, she finds out that there is a big old house for sale, and it just so happens to be the former home of her teenage crush. It's a good thing her ex decided to do the intern yesterday because a day or two later and she wouldn't have had the chance to make a stupid decision and buy the house of her old boyfriend. I guess it could have been worse.
She could have decided to read this instead: [image] *shudder* Wait, is the word sexual really on the cover of that book? *shudder harder*
Oh, and the coincidences! They keep coming! It just so happens that her teenage loverboy is ALSO back home and wants to buy the house! What were the odds? She wins the auction. Because, you know, girls are better than boys. But, don't be dismayed, he lives on the same spot of land. So, you know, they can cute-fight over the property. He and Avalon get into an epic show-down of pranks, and that is part of what makes this book totally worth it. It was hilarious! And, then they were hilarious together. Hilarity ensued.
There were nudists, manure, and the worst song ever known to the 1980's. I couldn't help but admire the ways they made each other suffer.
Of course they start hooking up! You knew it was coming the whole time. And, they were even funny then.
“We are really good at it,” she allowed...
“Yeah. I liked the way we kept affirming each other. ‘Yes, oh yes!’” he mimicked.
She gave a quick shout of laughter.
I loved this couple. The story was cheesy, but I didn't care at all. The writing was great. The dialogue was absolutely awesome, and the HEA made me happy. Call me crazy, but this was one helluva fun book.
Even though I usually like a little murder-mystery in my romance novels, this was so cute and happy that I don't have any complaints at all. I know, sEven though I usually like a little murder-mystery in my romance novels, this was so cute and happy that I don't have any complaints at all. I know, so unlike me!
It's a "brother's best friend" romance where the younger brother had been crushing on the older boy forever. Arlo is the younger brother and he's one of those lovable hot messes who is clumsy and disorganized. He's also so upbeat and funny that you can't help but fall for him.
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The older guy is Jack and he's one of those super nice guys who hates to hurt people's feelings and tries to be perfect all the time for approval. He is attracted to Arlo, but since he feels like Arlo's family is his own family he is afraid to act on it. Of course he gets over that quickly. Thankfully! I am not big on too much angst and there was very little in this story.
[image] Gah! I love pandas!
So, a little fluffy, amusing, and maybe some cheese. Kinda perfect for the end of a crappy year!
Super weird! If you like monster-porn with tentacle sex or alien romance or male/male romance, this is your bag, baby! For me, it was a strange fever-Super weird! If you like monster-porn with tentacle sex or alien romance or male/male romance, this is your bag, baby! For me, it was a strange fever-dream that is actually enjoyable. If you like those comics with the aliens like this, you will love this.
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So the set-up is that there is an interplanetary space station where a lot of humans live alongside with other aliens. Our alien-hero is Tris who is from an alien race that is super insular so not many of his species has ever been seen. This makes him kinda the rock star of the station because he's unique and has the personality of an adorable puppy. I mean, this guy is so endearing that you can't help but fall for him. Plus, he finds humans confusing and endearing himself. And cats are the most mysterious things ever to him. But wonderful. Everything's wonderful to this guy.
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He has a cat-sitting gig that he's super excited about and runs into his crush, a guy named Drey. Drey also has a crush but heard that this species of alien doesn't do monogamy and he isn't into the player lifestyle. Luckily, he's wrong and Tris really wants a mate of his own. There isn't much of a build-up or angst because they figure things out pretty quickly. Which is strangely mature for a romance book.
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But, the book is more than that. It's all about the differences between species and acceptance of those differences. The underlying messages are about gender identity, racial differences, and cultural differences. It was definitely positive and interesting. Of course, there were also a lot of funny misunderstandings because of all of these things. Overall, it was original and entertaining. But weird. Definitely weird.
I've been with my husband for over 30 years now, and I actually still like him. Most days. But, you need to realize that it is a battle. Read the Art I've been with my husband for over 30 years now, and I actually still like him. Most days. But, you need to realize that it is a battle. Read the Art of War before marriage, not some stupid romantic bullshit.
[image] I noticed there is no wood chipper option. I wonder why?
You will need it to establish your borders. And, then you have to defend them as if it were the last piece of pie. Because, you let them get away with taking that last piece of pie once, and suddenly they think they get the last piece of every pie - pizza and sweet variety. You just Austria-ed yourself, girl. You ain't getting that land back. Welcome to "No Second Piece of Pie For You Land". Population: you, loser. Yeah, I should be a marriage counselor.
[image] See? He'll make his own damn coffee now. Good wifing!
This book is the war-preparation for the final battle. In other words, they are engaged. Neither of them are happy and they are using guerrilla warfare to sneakily try and get the other to retreat. The victor gets the spoils: sympathy and being the one who was wronged. The loser looks like an ass. These two are so passive-aggressive that they could give How to Be a Mother-in-Law lessons at the YMCA.
[image] This is why they never give us pockets, ladies. The MAN is trying to keep us down.
It's entertaining fun. So, we are waiting to see which one will break.... and break up, but then something new happens and maybe they will save the train-wreck that their relationship has become.
It turned pretty sappy-sweet, but I was good with that. It was like a Sour Patch Kid. Without all that sour hitting your mouth first, you would find it too sweet, but your ready for it when it gets sweet and gooey. It's just right.
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There were a lot of funny moments going on here. And, I can say that I hated, and then loved, them equally throughout the story. It was a total victory overall....more
Crazy stalker-girl behavior will totally pay off! You will get the billionaire of your dreams.
Now, get out there and stalk the crap The message here:
Crazy stalker-girl behavior will totally pay off! You will get the billionaire of your dreams.
Now, get out there and stalk the crap out of that guy. Don't take "no" for an answer. Break into his apartment. Grab a dick. Hack his computer. Spy on him. It's all cute, sexy stuff that guys look for in future wives.
Oooh, hot men solving mysteries is good enough, but adding in alligators??? It's like someone's been reading my diary.
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So in this one Tom and PrOooh, hot men solving mysteries is good enough, but adding in alligators??? It's like someone's been reading my diary.
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So in this one Tom and Prophet are in New Orleans helping Tom's elderly aunt during a hurricane. They reunite by having hurricane sex outside. In the hurricane. Now, as a person who has been through hurricanes I can tell you that this is stretching things a bit. These guys would have had their asses impaled out there - and not in a gay sex way - in a tree through their bodies way. It's not just wind blowing out there. It's like nature is trying to kill you by throwing all of her shit at you at 100 mph.
Then, we get a murder-mystery going on with an "I Know What You Did Last Summer" vibe going. Plus, alligators!
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Okay, so yes, I've also been around alligators close up. I live in the South, I'm old, I've seen a lot of shit. So, we went camping at a campground with a lake that is famous for having gators in it. So, the hubs and I take the kids out in a canoe and there were gators all around. Now, these things are lazy fucks and had not the least bit of interest in coming to eat us. Maybe they only like s'mores or people's yippy dogs that they insist on bringing camping with them just to annoy the crap out of normal people who would never own a yippy dog in their life because that's just stupid.
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Anyway, long story short, my oldest son decided he was NOT a fan of canoeing with gators and we had to go to shore. Killjoy. But, it was probably for the best. I have a weird thing where I have no fear and therefore have been bitten by a shitload of different animals. My family actually makes fun of me for it. The last time we were in a bird sanctuary in Mexico and some bird was biting the crap out of my hand (because, yes, I tried to touch it) and I was bleeding everywhere - did they run to help me? Did they pull the bird away? No. They filmed it while laughing. Jerks. So, maybe getting me away from the lazy gators before I decided to tap them with my oar to "get a little life into them" was a good idea.
So, now you know next to nothing about the book, but a lot more about Jilly. You're welcome....more
Cute. A totally rom-com chick lit thing. Which... well, I don't know why I keep reading in this genre. It gets old real quick. But, I think most peoplCute. A totally rom-com chick lit thing. Which... well, I don't know why I keep reading in this genre. It gets old real quick. But, I think most people would really like this because the banter is witty.
[image] Yes, almost this good.
So, we have the girl from the last book, Ember, who was happily married with a kid. Until, the husband decides to leave her. For reasons. She is stuck living in a big city that she hates because of custody stuff and does transcription for money. She's depressed. To amuse herself she writes funny little comments on her drafts of the transcriptions that she erases before they get sent in to the employer. So, you know it's gonna happen, she accidentally has one go out where she's called the guy "shit mouth" and he sees it.
[image] This guy has witty banter potential. And weed. Call me.
Luckily, he thinks this is the greatest thing ever. He loves being called shit mouth!! He also just happens to be hot as hell, a war hero, single, young, and living close to Ember. Oh, what serendipity!!! What are the odds??
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So, hilarious (meaning mildly amusing if you are in the frame of mind to laugh easily) emails are exchanged. And, he looks at her Facebook profile to find out she has a nice ass. Now, this is important because her ass is talked about more often than the words "during these difficult times" are said in every commercial now.
[image] Wow, her photoshop game is .. just terrible. Someone call the police.
And, don't worry, there is a cute kid who says hilarious things too! It just wouldn't be the same without a kid doing things like naming his pet hedgehog Ron Jeremy. Oh, the hilarity!
[image] Hilarious kid. You get an F, as in Fries, as in "Do you want fries with that?" Get used to it.
Blah. It's a Hallmark Channel movie with a bunch of f-bombs and sex added in. So, Hallmark After Dark.. is that a thing? I feel like it should be a thiBlah. It's a Hallmark Channel movie with a bunch of f-bombs and sex added in. So, Hallmark After Dark.. is that a thing? I feel like it should be a thing. Why not have DJ and Aunt Becky doing some soft-core porn for the horny mommies at night? They are obviously willing to do pretty much any acting gig available.
[image] Wow, this is amazingly accurate. I'd be afraid to ask the maker of this to predict the day and manner of my death.
Yes, small-town girl has a dream job in the big city, but is publicly shamed and loses it all so she has to return home to small town. Oh, but also her dad, the lovable cantankerous old man with eccentricities who is just trying to eat bacon, had a heart attack so she also has to take care of him. But then she needs to go work on a farm as a nanny to the lovable scamps that her teenage hate-crush is raising alone while being a hot cowboy. Words are exchanged and she learns the true meaning of Christmas while getting nailed in a barn.
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Well, except it isn't Christmas - but you know. All the other stuff.
Plus, what's with the whole small towns must have town dances? I have a hard time believing this is truly happening in Podunk, USA. But, it's standard stuff in these kind of books. And, if there was such a thing really happening, would super attractive 20-somethings really be out there cutting a rug with Bob and Alice who are only 60 years young and trying out their new hips? Cuz, I don't think they would. There wasn't enough 'medicinal' pot in the world to get me to a place where square dancing with the old folks at the town community hall would have sounded like a good time to me at that age.
[image] If I ever get old enough to do this shit just shoot me in the face please. Totally not joking this time.
There were a few moments that I thought were somewhat okay, but nothing special at all. I have the next one in the series and I will read it because I read book three a while back and liked it. Maybe this was just a case of a slow start to a series.
For some reason I thought this book was going to be howlingly funny. It wasn't. I only felt mildly amused when the old ladies were drinking vodka mixeFor some reason I thought this book was going to be howlingly funny. It wasn't. I only felt mildly amused when the old ladies were drinking vodka mixed with Ensure cocktails. I really liked those old ladies. They knew how to party.
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On the whole this book is just blah. Everything you'd expect. It was supposed to be enemies-to-friends, but they never really had that fun enemy rivalry at all. Within the first pages they kissed each other, so we didn't get a fun build-up either.
[image] Nothing is better if it's too soon. The word "premature" comes to mind.
There was so much potential. They go to her family's ranch for a wedding and he poses as her boyfriend and there were hijinx. Her family was great, there was a crazy grandpa, and even the unexpected ex-boyfriend showing up (why, I don't know because he said hello and then seemed to just mysterious vanish. Why was he even there?). But, the interactions weren't funny enough. It tried. I give the book credit for trying, but it felt flat to me.
Would it have killed her to give us an epilogue?? It was a good ending, but still. A little abrupt. It's like she wrote almost 500 pages and then justWould it have killed her to give us an epilogue?? It was a good ending, but still. A little abrupt. It's like she wrote almost 500 pages and then just said, fuck it, I'm done.
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Still, this book was hilarious, touching, and kind of crazy at times. I loved the two main characters, but even the side characters really came to life. This one couple, each being a little "intellectually challenged", stole the show every time they showed up. The guy even considered the "fake boyfriend job" before remembering he wasn't gay. And had a fiance. So stupid.... but so funny!
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The couple is Luc and Oliver - complete opposites, but in the best way. They brought out the best in each other. Kind of like peanut butter on waffles. Sure, it doesn't sound like it would work, but trust me, kids, and try it instead of butter. With the syrup. You will see the magic of things-that-shouldn't-go-together-but-do.
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Yes, there is a fake boyfriend thing going on, but it was real from moment one. There was great chemistry and sexual tension, and I would think that there was a bit of a let-down when there were no sex scenes, but a fade to black thing, but I didn't feel that. It felt like it fit perfectly with the rest of the story.
[image] Yeah, I don't want to make it a habit to have the no-sex book, but just this once was okay. I guess.
To make up for the lack of smut, there was a lot of situational humor and tons of feels everywhere, which also usually wouldn't be my thing. Again, it just worked. Plus, I can relate to a guy who feels like a fuck-up because he can't get his apartment clean and ends up crying in the corner while eating a can of Pringles in the mess of his life. I think most of us could relate to those moments.
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Overall, it was practically perfect in every way....more
Another one-eyed guy gets a book? That seems a little excessive. I mean, there have been 4 books in the series so far and 2 of them have featured men Another one-eyed guy gets a book? That seems a little excessive. I mean, there have been 4 books in the series so far and 2 of them have featured men who lost an eye. That makes half of the series one-eyed books. I feel like this disproportionately represents eye-loss in a typical society -even medieval fantasy society. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I haven't heard anything about a giant eye-related problem back then that would have taken out half the eyes of the male species.
[image] Oooooh. Now I get it. Medieval medicine. My bad.
So, okay, I dealt with the first one-eyed (oh fuck, I'm going to abbreviate that. I'm writing it too much. From now on when I write 1IF I means One-eyed Fellow, ok?), and I even could see a very slight appeal of him, but this second 1IF? He has one normal eye and one "milky" eye. And, we are supposed to find him sexy? Plus his name is Charlene? It's like this author is just fucking with me at this point!
[image] I feel like I'm being fucked with...
Anyway, this book was about a polyamorous group of three. All three of them are side-characters that have been around for most of the series. But, the problem for me was that I've never felt a burning desire for these people to get their book. None of them are very compelling. It was like a story where Millhouse, Eeyore, and Mrs. Potts decided to get their freak on and hook up. Nobody wants to see that! Certainly don't give Mrs. Potts a strap-on for fuck's sake! And, why did you even think of it?
[image] There are some things that none of us want to see.
So, I've noticed that so far the author has separated the couples for most of the books. I am hoping that won't be the case in the next one - whenever that comes out - because I am really looking forward to both of the next characters and I want to see them interact more....more
At the end of this book the authors say that they came up with the idea for it and were laughing hysterically the whole time. I couldn't help but wondAt the end of this book the authors say that they came up with the idea for it and were laughing hysterically the whole time. I couldn't help but wonder how much drinking was involved or maybe over-tiredness(?) Because it wasn't funny. At all. And, there wasn't even any funny banter. As a matter of fact, I would say that if anyone is triggered by abusive relationships they should stay away.
Here's the reality: This book is about a physically disabled girl being severely abused by employers that have groomed her since the age of 16 to believe that she had no choice but to accept this abuse. The abuse was mental, verbal, and physical in that she was forced to work unreasonable hours and in ways that literally hurt her because of her disability. Every aspect of her life was controlled by them. She is continually gas-lighted. And, she is even afraid to tell the truth of her situation to her therapist because of how completely terrified she is of her boss.
The male romantic lead is a newer employee who sees through what is going on and is rightfully outraged. But, he was purposely hired because he would also have no options and be at their mercy.
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Okay. So, as a romance, and maybe a book about someone finding the power to take control over their life, does it work? Not really, because there is not enough time to build on that. There are too many holes and not enough substance to build a relationship. It is weak in that way. We see them start out not liking each other much, because of reasons, and then they suddenly are in love.
[image] But yesterday you said you hated me.
How about a fun chick-lit type of book? Nope. Like I said, where was the funny? Where was the banter? How about silly situations? None of that happened.
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It was a messy story about these two poor, stuck people running around watching some spoiled, bratty stars act like babies who never would have made it where they did if they really acted this way. The shenanigans of the married couple's bad marriage wasn't even funny or entertaining.
This reads a little bit like a fairy tale. Well, not the Disney kind because there is some bloodshed, murders, and the main guy is a part-time prostitThis reads a little bit like a fairy tale. Well, not the Disney kind because there is some bloodshed, murders, and the main guy is a part-time prostitute. So, maybe Disney+ ? I don't know. I don't have it, but I assume that Disney+ is Disney but with porn, right? I'm assuming that's what the plus sign means and that's why everyone has been so excited about it.
[image] Oh yeah, and the baby yoda is also on it. On a porn channel? Baby Yoda is on a porn channel? That's just sick. You guys are sick bastards!
Anyhoo... So this book is like an old time story of where they hold a giant competition for the hand of the princess and all the rabble come from miles and miles to get them some princess-ass. I'm sure you've seen that kinda thing while watching your Disney porn.
The only difference is that there are many young adults being auctioned off to keep the villagers happy hands being sought. All of the noble families and the elite are allowing one of theirs to be married off in this way. And, instead of a princess, there is a prince. So, there will be many winners who get to marry up and improve their station in life.
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Our hero is Rath, a guy who works part-time as a prostitute, lives over a butcher shop, and has a huge debt of his father's to pay off or he will be killed. He only enters the competition to get the stipend that they pay the finalists. He isn't in it to win it. He did come there to make friends. And, get free food. Maybe a few perks that will help his life.
Of course Rath is awesome. He wouldn't be a good hero if not. But, he's not a Gary Stu which is kind of a bad thing because now he has people who are trying to kill him to get him out of the competition. So, he needs the competition money so he doesn't get killed and he might get killed if he doesn't quit the competition. Rath just can't win.
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The book is fun, fast-paced, and really really woke. I mean, it's awesome how woke the villages in this world are! There are people all over the LGBTQ spectrum and it is treated as completely normal. Gender and sexual identity are not even addressed. They just accept everyone. For that, at least. The rich still look down at the poor. So, you know, can't have it all. Still. Pretty cool. And, great book if you are in a modern fairy tale mood, and you're a cool person too.
[image] Yeah, I used the word woke. I stand by my decisions. You're the one watching Disney porn....more
I gave the first book in this series a scathing review and one star. I absolutely hated the heroine with the burning rage of a thousand suns. I wantedI gave the first book in this series a scathing review and one star. I absolutely hated the heroine with the burning rage of a thousand suns. I wanted to build a time machine just to travel back there and bitch-slap a bitch.
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You know, sane thoughts.
But, it was Lisa Kleypas. She's written some of my favorite characters as well, so I trudged on. I'm so glad I did because, overall, this series has been awesome. This book was the perfect ending.
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Cassandra is the heroine and Tom the hero. If you want to understand everything about Tom right now, here it is in the quote-that-makes-women-sigh:
* This comes after Cassandra expresses concern about having gained some weight. She was about to reach for a little fancy cake (cuz ya know those rich bastards ate little fancy cakes all day made by the blood, sweat, and tears of the peasants in the kitchen) but stopped herself and said how people would think badly of her unless she loses a few.
Tom: "Your body isn't an ornament designed for other people's pleasure. It belongs to you alone. You are magnificent just as you are. Whether you lose weight or gain more, you'll still be magnificent. Have a cake if you want one."
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Plus, Tom starts reading novels and gives us delightful reviews throughout the book. They are super insightful. I'll only give you one quote because I don't want to ruin the fun for you:
"most of them are pointless, like the one about the French bread thief who violated his parole-"
"Les Miserables?"
"Yes. It took Victor Hugo fourteen hundred pages to say, 'Never let your daughter marry a radical French law student.' Which everyone already knows."
Wait. Hold everything. A man who gives funny book reviews and is offering cake? It's like Jilly-krytonite! I officially love Tom and he is joining my book-boyfriend harem.
[image] What the hell is Nick Cage doing there? Does he have to be in everything? Also, that welcome isn't very welcoming. Jilly needs to sort out her harem.
If you have read the series, you will enjoy this one. It had glimpses of most of the other couples and West was funny. All the things you need.
Oh come on, guys!! REally? Yes, our standards are lower for the Kindle Unlimited freebies, but come on! Why are you all rating this so high and gettinOh come on, guys!! REally? Yes, our standards are lower for the Kindle Unlimited freebies, but come on! Why are you all rating this so high and getting my hopes up for some funny cute romance just to crush my hopes and dreams?
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Okay, so I was down with the fact that this wasn't going to be a highly original story. I mean, where can you really go with the whole fake-to-real relationship trope? Obviously they start out as a fake couple, develop feelings, a series of misunderstandings make them think the other isn't into them, there is angst, then they get their heads out of their asses through some sort of event like a life-threatening thing or whatever, and they live HEA. That's the formula. Just like Hallmark movies, it writes itself.
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But, just as only women in jammies some people will still watch every Hallmark movie ever made, I will read tropey romance novels anyway. Sometimes it's fun to just enjoy the ride that you have rode many times and liked well enough. You know, like marriage. (unnecessary husband burn!)
The problem is that the characters were NOT enjoyable people. I would hate both of them in real life. She's like some overgrown woman-child, and he's the kind of guy who says horrible things to their girlfriend then immediately apologizes but then does it again the next day until she has an eating disorder and low self-esteem. I really couldn't stand them.
Let's start the character assassination completely fair review with her, shall we? Her name is Parker and she dresses like she is 5 years old - which we all know is so sexy. Yeah, if a man gets a boner because a girl is wearing the clothing that I wore to kindergarten, he needs to be arrested. But, not only does she think she rocks the children's department clothing, but she also can't bring herself to utter a swear word. Give me a fucking break! You aren't five Parker!! Whatever idiotic girl-version of Peter Pan Syndrome you are dealing with - get some therapy if you can't act like a grown-up.
[image] This only cuts it in the Good Place. Real life involves cursing. Real cursing.
So, not only does Parker use stupid fake-curse words and literally say "the f-word", like a fucking idiot, but she is also a "Save the Planet" person who gets on her soapbox in her stupid children's dress every chance she gets. You want to annoy the rest of the people who weren't annoyed with you over the cursing thing? Just start preaching about recycling. Again. I mean, she was so annoying about it that I want to go out and litter just to spite her cabbage-patch clothes wearing ass.
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So, Parker sucked.
Let's move on to the douche guy. His name is Rhys and he is an ex-boxer. Problem is that he still likes to deal those knock-out punches verbally if not physically. After he and Parker make-out:
Him: "Don't pretend like you don't know how you were acting... Fuck, sweetheart, you light up so hot, I was just along for the ride. You like that for your society boys, or does slumming it get you off?"
Yikes. Slut shaming the girl you are into? Good way to get her to love you. A proven formula is to break down a girl's self-esteem so much that she feels lucky to have you. Yes, he apologizes. But, it's not the only time he says something shitty to her like that. He lashes out the second he feels she has slighted him and that is something that is just not bearable over time. He says and does things out of anger that have consequences for other people. Even the whole reason he is doing this fake-relationship thing with her in the first place is because of stupid crap that he pulled that was unfair to his brother and to Parker. I just couldn't like the guy.
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So, this book just didn't do it for me. I'm also disappointed in all of you for making me read it. You need to go and think about what you have done now.
Really, who is responsible for the atrocities committed upon these book covers? Just when you think your eyes have recovered from the last book, bam, Really, who is responsible for the atrocities committed upon these book covers? Just when you think your eyes have recovered from the last book, bam, the next one in the series comes along and re-assaults your eyes. I mean, come on.
Here's what I imagine happened in the meeting at the publisher:
Boss: "This book stars two men who are so beautiful that one of them is magical and the other has every human in town in love with him. We need a cover to reflect their other-worldly beauty, along with their simmering desire that will grow into everlasting love. As it happens, my child, the third grader with the lazy eye, is an aspiring artist. I'm sure that just because I'm your boss and have been known to fire anyone who crosses me, this will in no way affect your decision on whether or not we will use little Suzie's drawing for the cover. Let's take a vote while I look each of you menacingly in the eye as you tell me your answer."
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Okay, so my own daughter who could out-draw Suzie so hard that she will make her cry just came in and said the cover photo looks like a guy holding his ventriloquist's dummy and asking it why nobody loves him and the dummy confesses its undying love to him. I think it looks like a bad caricature artist at an amusement park drew it for you right after he got off the spinning teacup ride. I'm listening to all theories. I'm very intrigued as to what is happening here with the cover art. Is someone in trouble? Is this a cry for help? I feel like I should call the police.
So, why did I give it such a high rating? Because you really can't judge a book by its cover. This was good. Star Wars good. No, not the latest Star Wars, or the prequels. The bar isn't that low. Original, mint Star Wars good. Well, okay, maybe that's setting it too high. Let's say New Hope good, not Empire Strikes Back good. That's perfect. Now you get it.
This was a fun paranormal romance because you totally fall for all of the characters. There is a whole town filled with people who are in this book and the next. You feel like you know them after a while. The romance was cute and simmering. And, best part of all: it had a transgender character and it was done amazingly well. As you all know, I have a transgender person in my life and I am a strong ally for all LGBT people. Trans people deal with a lot of hate and violence against them. It makes me happy when I can see a character who is trans being represented as just a normal person who deserves to be treated as such. It was awesome!
If you like fairy tales, but wish there were explicit sex scenes in them..
[image] What the hell's wrong with you?
Also, you might like this book. First If you like fairy tales, but wish there were explicit sex scenes in them..
[image] What the hell's wrong with you?
Also, you might like this book. First thing to know is that this is the fourth in a series, and you won't have a clue unless you read the first three, so go and do that. Also, this book took a hella long time to come out because there was some sort of publishing problem that I don't really care about other than it was annoying to wait so long for this book. Hopefully it won't be years for the next one, but if you haven't read any of the series, you might just want to wait for the next one before digging in. It's always more fun to read a series... you know... within your lifetime. I'm talking to you Jim Butcher!
[image] No. No sleeping! I've been waiting for the next Harry Dresden book for over 5 years now. Sleep when you're dead, dammit!
Ok, so the deal with this series is that there were five orphan girls who were raised together in a nunnery because they had magic powers and needed to be hidden. There is a whole story thing with a religion and everything.. yada yada yada. Each girl is getting her own book and this time we have Sorcha's. She's a red head who can start fires. So, not that impressive, ya know. I mean one girl talks to ghosts, one shape-shifts, one talks to trees, etc... and this chick is basically as useful as a match.
[image] Alright. That's enough now. Settle down there, Elmo.
So, who would be the best match for a girl who sets fires? A guy who is all about the wood, right? No, pervs, I mean, he communes with the trees and it's a beautiful thing.
[image] Dammit trees! Can you just be cool for five minutes?
So, not only does he talk to the dirty dirty trees, but he can chop wood with his mind. He's more of a woodworker.
[image] Yeah. That's better. No way can that be interpreted as dirty.
So, he saves her when she is captured by bad guys and then takes her back to his tree house. You think I'm joking about the tree house, but I'm not. Dude lives in a tree. Of course, they fall in love, yada yada yada. He's got a secret identity. Blah blah blah... happily ever after..
This series is pretty cute. It's like the Stephanie Plum books but less crazy-funny, and also she picked a guy right away. None of that Joe/Ranger craThis series is pretty cute. It's like the Stephanie Plum books but less crazy-funny, and also she picked a guy right away. None of that Joe/Ranger crap that irritates the hell out of me. Just pick a guy already, Stephanie! You're so stupid that you're lucky anyone will have you!
[image] Yes, I'll still read the next one, but I'll hate myself for doing it.
Izzie is our girl and she's a food taster for rich people who are worried about being poisoned. In this one she has a client that is in a wealthy circle of Real Housewives competing to get their nude photo in their charity calendar. In years past, the contenders have had all sorts of mysterious ailments show up to knock them out of the competition. It's dog-eat-dog with these rich bitches.
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At the same time Izzie is trying to prove that someone is innocent of murder. She has help from her old-lady neighbor. As is the case in these kind of books, this old lady is eccentric and carries a big gun. Whatever...
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Speaking of old ladies, you could easily read these books to your grandma out loud. They are squeaky clean. Izzie has a romance, but it is a "cut to black" type of thing. There is also no cursing at all. I don't know how I feel about these things. What if they make me wholesome again? What if I stop cursing? What if my long-lost hymen tries to come back? I don't need that kind of crap in my life. I hope this series isn't going to be a bad influence on me. Maybe I'll read some side porn. Just to keep it real over here.
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Despite its cleanness, I'm enjoying the series for now. I'll continue on. Maybe I'll cuss out an old person to make sure I keep my edge while I'm doing so. I know, I'll use "ok Boomer" in a sentence tomorrow. That'll show em....more
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